25 Hilarious Animal Names That Are Way Better Than the Real Ones
Honestly, someone get me in touch with the CEO of naming things.
Let me upgrade you
Did anyone consult with the animals prior to naming them? Imagine being called a sea ravioli while other animals get to be called things like “sable” and “lynx.” What kind of perverse name lottery is this?
This was a serious, serious oversight in the naming department. Someone’s getting fired. If you thought that pun was on the nose, then these dog puns will definitely give you paws.
Capybara: Guinea big
Peacock: God’s favorite
Imagine your defining characteristic as an animal being that you are just so beautiful? Like that’s just your thing? It’s like peacocks showed up refreshed and chipper at 7 a.m. at the beauty store while everyone else stumbled in tired and hungover. That’s why they’re allowed to just roam all over zoos and the other animals can’t.
Armadillo: Possums on the half shell
Do you know how hermit crabs outgrow their shells and scuttle nude to find a new one? That’s what possums do with oyster shells to evolve into armadillos. That being said, DO NOT EAT THEM!
Eastern Hognose Snake: Mood snake
These snakes will roll over and do absolutely everything in their power to convince you they are dead when threatened, to which some might say, “same.” Check out the strangest animals found in every state.
Crinoid: Fashion fern
Crinoids may be in the starfish family, but they’ll be damned if starfishes are the only stars in this fish family. These things glamourous and they will let you know it.
Horseshoe crab: Ocean Roomba
These things are just scooting around the ocean floor: *vroooooooom* *bonk* *swivel*.
Kangaroo: Hop pocket
Did you hear the lady singing the tune from the commercial as you read this?
Sting Ray: Sea ravioli
Stingrays are actually also stuffed with parmesan and ricotta cheese as well. Just kidding! They’re not. I think I’m kidding, anyway. I’ve actually never seen inside a sting ray myself. Very well could be.
Sheep: Hooven cloud
Imagine if clouds made hoof sounds as the moved across the sky. It’s an especially windy day and you just hear clip-clop clip-clop clip-clop across the sky. In fact, sheep are one of five animals with funny odd jobs, as if they didn’t already pull their weight and then some around here!
Pangolin: Artichoke on the edge
This is exactly what it would look like if an artichoke could get up and run away from you. Pangolins can only run 3 mph, but gosh dang it, they’ll leave you in the dust.
Mole: Count Tymole Rugen
For those who don’t know, Count Tyron Rugen is the man who killed Inigo Montoya’s father in The Princess Bride. This is a more fitting name for moles because even though it does actually have five fingers, that is simply too many fingers for them to have.
Llama: Scene horse
Someone take this dude to Hot Topic! This dude wears brightly colored skinny jeans and band T-shirts to the mall every Saturday. They belong at the food court, not the farm—though here are 45 hilarious farm animals that’ll make you laugh anyway.
Crocodile: Too big lizard
Honestly, crocodiles are just lizards. They have arms and legs and tails like the rest of them! And they have absolutely no business being as big as they are.
Goose: Terror duck
Geese are a threat to national security. All of Canada’s hate is stored in their geese.
Cobra: Slippery kite face
Seriously. Grab a cobra by the tail and start running with it on a windy day and it’ll provide hours of beachfront entertainment.
Octopus: Little miss arms
Another one that doesn’t have any business doing what it does. What do you need all those arms for? And with all those suction cups? Asking for trouble.
Turtles: Should sink but doesn’t
It absolutely blows my mind that turtles are aquatic creatures and as athletic as they are in the water. Look at them. They should sink like a rock. But they do not.
Murder hornets: Murder hornets
Just kidding! These are real, as we all know now. Life imitates memes Here are 25 hilarious jokes people have already made about them.
Chihuahua: Land piranha
They go into a frenzy like one if they smell a drop of blood or even just fear, I can tell you that firsthand lads and ladies!
Liger: Absolute kitty unit
This is Hercules, a captive liger at the Myrtle Beach Safari in South Carolina. He is the largest living cats in the world, and according to one Reddit user, an “absolute kitty unit.” Too big to be one of these 25 cats working from home though. There’s not a home office in the world that can contain him.
Flamingos: Safari it-girls
Flamingos are ostriches’ trendy younger sister. She’s more fashionable but she’s also really nice about it. She’s in a sorority but will absolutely destroy anyone who tries to make fun of her ostrich art department sister. Here are 22 hilarious bird photos you just can’t miss.
Rhino: Armor chonk
Rhinos are so CUTE, and I don’t care if you disagree with me. Look at it. It’s a sweetheart in a suit of armor. Anyone who fawns over a puppy but not a rhino is incorrect. Here are 60 adorable animal photos—rhinos deserve to be in there!