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80 Funny Birthday Quotes Perfect for Cards

Look no further for hilariously perfect quotes for birthday cards

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Why struggle to find the right words for the birthday card?

Birthdays are fun! Trying to find a good “happy birthday” message to write in a card, though? Not so much. But worry not, because there are many hilarious quotes you can choose from to make someone smile on their special day. Just look at 80 of our favorite birthday quotes, and you’ll definitely find one that fits your liking. Make sure you also check out the funniest quotes of all time—and the best birthday gifts for everyone in your life!

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Funny birthday quotes for friends

1. “One of the best parts of growing older? You can flirt all you like since you’ve become harmless.” —Liz Smith

2. “Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” —Mark Twain

3. “There is still no cure for the common birthday.” —John Glenn

4. “Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” —Larry Lorenzoni

5. “Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” —Mark Twain

6. “A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.” —Erma Bombeck

7. “I believe in loyalty. When a woman reaches an age she likes, she should stick with it.” —Eva Gabor

8. “No, no, no can’t be. I distinctly remember. Your birthday was last year.” —Mother Gothel, Tangled

Check out these birthday puns for all ages!

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Funny brother and sister birthday quotes

9. “You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.” —Ogden Nash

10. “You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out.'” —Jerry Seinfeld

11. “All the world is a birthday cake, so take a piece, but not too much.” —George Harrison

12. “Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.” —Groucho Marx

13. “Today you are you! That is truer than true! There is no one alive who is you-er than you!” —Dr. Seuss

14. “No wonder I’m unhappy. My twin forgot my birthday.” —Jerry Dennis

For trivia fans, have you ever wondered about the origin of the birthday cake?

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Funny 21st birthday quotes

15. “Let us celebrate the occasion with wine and sweet words.” —Plautus

16. “Put candles in a cake, it’s a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, and somebody’s drunk in the kitchen.” —Jim Gaffigan

17. “A party without cake is just a meeting.” —Julia Child

18. “Today is the oldest you have been, and the youngest you will ever be. Make the most of it!” —Eleanor Roosevelt

19. “When a man is tired of life on his 21st birthday, it indicates that he is rather tired of something in himself.” —F. Scott Fitzgerald

20. “Youth is a disease from which we all recover.” —Dorothy Fuldheim

21. “Now that you’re 21, it’s time to stop playing video games and start designing them.” —Melanie White

22. “21 is a terrific age, maybe the best. Too bad you can’t be that old for the rest of your life.” —Greg Tamblyn

23. “Your 20s are your ‘selfish’ years. It’s a decade to immerse yourself in every single thing possible.” —Kyoko Escamilla

These funny inspirational quotes will also make you chuckle.

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Funny 30th birthday quotes

24. “Time and Tide wait for no man, but time always stands still for a woman of 30.” —Robert Frost

25. “After 30, a body has a mind of its own.” —Bette Midler

26. “When you turn 30, a whole new thing happens: you see yourself acting like your parents.” —Blair Sabol

27. “Thirty was so strange for me. I’ve really had to come to terms with the fact that I am now a walking and talking adult.” —C.S. Lewis

28. “Well, can I keep the presents and still be 29?” —Rachel Green, Friends

29. “Thirty is not that old! Do you know how old the earth is?” —Ross Geller, Friends

Check out these belated birthday wishes if you’re looking to make it up to your friend whose birthday you forgot.

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Funny 40th birthday quotes

30. “The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age.” —Lucille Ball

31. “They tell you that you’ll lose your mind when you grow older. What they don’t tell you is that you won’t miss it very much.” —Malcolm Cowley

32. “Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes age just shows up all by itself.” —Tom Wilson

33. “Like many women my age, I am 28 years old.” —Mary Schmich

34. “A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.” —Robert Frost

35. “Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once.” —Dave Berry

36. “As you get older, though, you realize there are fire extinguishers. You do have an ability to control the flames.” —Chaka Khan

37. “Turning the big 4-0, well, that can seem like a blow. No worries though, as 50 will be here before you know!” —Catherine Pulsifer

38. “Life really does begin at 40. Up until then, you are just doing research.” —Carl G. Jung

These hilarious text jokes will also lift your spirits.

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Funny 50th birthday quotes

39. “Middle age is the awkward period when Father Time starts catching up with Mother Nature.” —Harold Coffin

40. “A man is getting old when he walks around a puddle instead of through it.” —R.C. Ferguson

41. “Live your life and forget your age.” —Norman Vincent Peale

42. “Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you.” —Ogden Nash

43. “The really frightening thing about middle age is the knowledge that you’ll grow out of it.” —Doris Day

44. “Happy Birthday to you, we hope that all year you never feel blue. Now that you are 55, we hope that you will survive.” —Marcia Goldlist

45. “When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it happened or not.” —Mark Twain

46. “Just remember, once you’re over the hill you begin to pick up speed.” —Arthur Schopenhauer

47. “Looking 50 is great—if you’re 60.” —Joan Rivers

48. “Inside every older person is a younger person—wondering what the hell happened.” —Terry Pratchett

49. “Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!” —Kate Summers

50. “It takes a long time to grow young.” —Pablo Picasso

These greeting card stories are cute and memorable.

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Funny 60th-plus birthday quotes

51. “Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it.” —Golda Meir

52. “I will never be an old man. To me, old age is always 15 years older than I am.” —Francis Bacon

53. “Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.” —Daniel Francois Esprit Auber

54. “As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.” —Sir Norman Wisdom

55. “First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down.” —George Burns

56. “Growing old is like being increasingly penalized for a crime you have not committed.” —Anthony Powell

57. “Of late I appear to have reached that stage when people who look old are only my age.” —Richard Armour

58. “Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” —Maurice Chevalier

59. “I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.” —Phyllis Diller

60. “If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.” —Ubie Blake

61. “Don’t regret another birthday, the good news is that you are alive and can celebrate it.” —Catherine Pulsifer

62. “The good thing about getting older is if you don’t want to do something you can say, I’m too old to do that!” —Kate Summers

63. “Fun is like life insurance; the older you get, the more it costs.” —Kin Hubbard

64. “You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.” —Bob Hope

65. “The older you get the better you get, unless you are a banana.” —Betty White

Age, in itself, can also be pretty funny. If you’re enjoying these funny birthday quotes, you’ll also get a laugh out of these jokes about old age.

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Funny spouse birthday quotes

66. “Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other never forgets them.” —Ogden Nash

67. “You’re in mint condition for a vintage model. Happy birthday!” —Catherine Pulsifer

68. “Men are like wine. Some turn to vinegar, but the best improve with age.” —Pope John XXIII

69. “It’s sad to grow old, but nice to ripen.” —Bridgette Bardot

70. “You’ve heard of the three ages of man: Youth, middle age and you’re looking wonderful.” —Cardinal Francis Spellman

71. “The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.” —E. Joseph Cossman

Want more laughs? Make sure to check out these funny song titles.

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Funny wholesome birthday quotes

72. “The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate.” —Oprah

73. “Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished: If you’re alive, it isn’t.” —Richard Bach

74. “We don’t grow old. When we cease to grow, we become old.” —Ralph Waldo Emerson

75. “You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.” —Woody Allen

76. “Live as long as you may. The first 20 years are the longest half of your life.” —Robert Southey

77. “Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.” —Herbert Henry Asquist

78. “If we could be twice young and twice old we could correct all our mistakes.” —Euripedes

79. “Don’t just count your years, make your years count.” —George Meredith

80. “Those who love deeply never grow old; they may die of old age, but they die young.” —Dorothy Canfield Fisher

Here are some interesting things about the “Happy Birthday” song you never knew.

Bellamy Richardson
Bellamy Richardson is currently a senior at Williams College and interned for People magazine last summer. She has also covered arts and culture for various publications based in the Berkshires and served as managing editor of her college newspaper.