Sports Jokes

Why does everybody sing “Take Me Out to the Ball Game” when they’re already there? —Larry Andersen, Phillies Pitcher

Q: Why should you never date tennis players? A: Love means nothing to them.

I was in the gym earlier and decided to jump on the treadmill. People were giving me weird looks, so I started jogging instead.

Have you heard the one about the bad pole-vaulter? It never goes over very well. (Credit: justbadpuns.com)

The boating store was having a big sale on canoes. It was quite the oar deal.

Q. Why shouldn't you marry a tennis player? A. Because Love means nothing to them.

Q. Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? A. In case he got a hole in one.

All pro athletes are 
bilingual. They speak English and profanity. Gordie Howe, hockey player

Baseball bat: a wooden or 
metal bar that can easily fly out of someone’s hands. Foul ball: a moment when you think, Holy @#$%, I got a hit! Babe Ruth: someone who people tell you was also overweight. Right field: a quiet place where you can sit for long stretches and play with dandelions. Until suddenly you hear a clang and some shouting and immediately understand life is about to get much harder. Fly ball: when the sun drops 
a boulder on your head. Shortstop: a position that 
involves mostly ground balls 
and that you think maybe you can play. Line drive: the reason you can’t play shortstop. Innings: the amount of time 
left before afternoon snack, 
divided by nine. Marc Philippe Eskenazi, 
in the New Yorker

A first-grade teacher can’t 
believe her student isn’t hepped up about the Super Bowl. “It’s a huge event. Why aren’t you excited?” “Because I’m not a football fan. My parents love basketball, so I do too,” says the student. “Well, that’s a lousy reason,” says the teacher. “What if your parents were morons? What would you be then?” “Then I’d be a football fan.”

After football fans in Philadelphia were treated to a particularly excruciating loss earlier in the season, a man phoned a sports-radio talk-show host to say, “Everyone should call in and give one word for that game.” “What’s your word?” the host 
replied. “Bored out of my mind,” said the caller. From Sports Illustrated

Does it disturb anyone else that “The Los Angeles Angels” baseball team translates directly to “The The Angels Angels”? Neil DeGrasse Tyson

The one thing I’ve learned from the World Cup is that Europe still hasn’t mastered the haircut. @Bazecraze

Three fans were bemoaning the sorry state of their football team. “I blame the general manager,” said the first fan. “If he signed better players, we’d be a great team.” “I blame the players,” said the 
second fan. “If they made more of 
an effort, we’d score some points.” “I blame my parents,” said the third. “If I’d been born in Seattle, 
I’d be supporting a decent team.”

The topic of my student’s essay was the importance of trust, camaraderie, and toughness among football 
players. “After all,” he wrote, “you don’t want a bunch of pre-Madonnas out there on the field.” Michele Metcalf, Louisville, Kentucky

I recently stumbled upon 
my favorite new sports team. It’s 
a woman’s bowling squad called 
I Can’t Believe It’s Not Gutter. Jacqueline Tessman, 
Benton Harbor, Michigan

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I'll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the only doctor delivering a baby. "I can't leave," the doctor says. "But here's what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground." The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. "What did the doctor say?" the victim cries. "He says you're gonna die."

If I’m on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If God wants to play through, let him. Bob Hope

Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. Comedian Demetri Martin

Bacon was definitely the 
first-round draft pick in the BLT. No one’s building a sandwich around lettuce. —@joshgondelman

It’s weird that NFL players don’t constantly look at their phones to check their stats. —@shawnries

I prefer the tight yoga pants football players wear over the frumpy businesswoman slacks baseball players wear. —@QuinnK

Anyone who thinks women talk too much has never sat through a six-hour Super Bowl pregame show. —Nora Barry

My dad didn’t text me after the Patriots game, which is basically a Life Alert signal if you’re from New England. —@joshgondelman

The rules of football and the plot of The Godfather are the two most 
complicated things that every guy understands no matter how dumb he is. —Julian McCullough

Anyone who’s just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do jazz hands. —Craig Ferguson

During graduate school, I tutored a football player in Psychology 101. After the session, my supervising professor asked me if I was interested in the student, since he was a good-looking athlete. “No, I’m not,” I assured him. “Yeah, you probably prefer men who eat quiche,” he joked. “Actually, I prefer men who can spell quiche.” Lynn Ahlgrim-Delzell,Mount Holly, North Carolina

"I was playing chess with my friend, and he said, 'Let's make this more interesting.'  So we stopped playing chess." —Matt Kirshen

I identify with football players because I know what it's like to spend your whole life training for a large, jewel-encrusted ring.

When my 15-year-old son, Pat, stepped up to the plate during a Colt League baseball game, the young announcer declared, "Now batting, the right fielder, number 12, Pathogen!" After some confusion in the stands, the announcer came back on over the loudspeaker. "Oh, I get it — Pat Hogan!"

I already regret my choice of Juilliard to win the NCAA.

The reason women don't play football is that 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The Republican gave him his business card and told him to stop by for a job. He then took $20 out of his pocket and handed it to him.

The Democrat was impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, he decided it was his turn to help. So he reached into the Republican's pocket and gave the homeless man $50.

The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back.

In honor of our armed forces, the University of South Carolina football team used the backs of players' jerseys to display a little patriotism. They placed words like Duty, Service, Courage, and Commitment where players' names would normally go. During the game against the University of Florida, a fight broke out, prompting the television commentator to announce, "It looked like Integrity threw the first punch."

1. Petty Theft
Football players at the high school where I worked were stealing the practice jerseys, so the coach ordered a set with "Property of Central High School" emblazoned on them. When the thefts continued, he ordered a new batch that had the imprint "Stolen from Central High School." But the jerseys still kept disappearing. The larceny finally stopped after he changed the wording to "Central High School 4th String."
-- Hal Olsen

2. Sports and Poetry
The college football player knew his way around the locker room better than he did the library. So when my husband's co-worker saw the gridiron star roaming the stacks looking confused, she asked how she could help.

"I have to read a play by Shakespeare," he said.

"Which one?" she asked.

He scanned the shelves and answered, "William."
-- Sandra J. Yarbrough

3. Praying for Overtime
My husband, a big-time sports fan, was watching a football game with our grandchildren. He had just turned 75 and was feeling a little wistful. "You know," he said to our grandson, Nick, "it's not easy getting old. I guess I'm in the fourth quarter now."

"Don't worry, Grandpa," Nick said cheerily. "Maybe you'll go into overtime."
-- Evelyn Bredleau

4. Calling the Coach
As a high school football coach, I'm aware that student athletes tend to focus too much on sports. A fellow coach, Bob, was talking about one such player, who called him at home one night. When his wife informed the kid that Bob wasn't home, he became frantic and said he had to speak to the coach right away. "Just calm down, and I'll have him call you as soon as he gets home," the coach's wife told him. "What's your number?"

The flustered kid replied, "Three.
-- Allan Floyd

5. Football Makes Sense
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin. One team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!' I'm like, Hello-o-o? It's only 25 cents!"
-- Melissa Jones

6. Mum's the Word
My neighbor, Terry, a former high-school halfback, came home from combat duty in Afghanistan. He was excited to tell me that his unit had played a makeshift game of football. "Just don't tell my mom," he begged. "If she knew I was playing football she'd worry that I might reinjure my knee."
-- Mike Callison

7. Unconscious
Standing on the sidelines, during a game being played by my school's football team, I saw one of the players take a hard hit. He tumbled to the ground and didn't move.

We grabbed our first-aid gear and rushed out onto the field. The coach picked up the young man's hand and urged, "Son, can you hear me? Squeeze once for yes and twice for no."
-- Richard Corbin

8. Win or Lose
Driving home dejected from Baton Rouge, Louisiana, after a Mississippi-Louisiana State college football game that Ole Miss had lost 24-0, I was ignoring the speed limit and, sure enough, a Louisiana patrolman flagged me down. "You've got me, Officer," I confessed as I handed him my license. "I was speeding."

The officer confirmed that I was clocked at 72 m.p.h. But as he spoke, I noticed him stealing a peek at my game program and a pair of binoculars on the passenger seat. "Were you down for the big game?" he asked.

"Yes, sir," I replied. The officer then paused for what seemed like an eternity.

"Well," he said finally, "I guess you've suffered enough."

I couldn't believe my good fortune. But as my license was handed back to me, I felt compelled to ask a question. "Officer," I said, "what if Ole Miss had won?"

"I'd have locked you up in a heartbeat," came his reply. "Now keep it under 60!"
-- John C. Bonner

9. Being a Good Sport
Halfway through dinner one night, our friend Jim told us of his days playing football in college as a defensive lineman.

"Did you play sports in college, Mike?" his wife then asked me.

"Yes," I answered.

"I was on West Point's shooting team."

"That's great," she said, appropriately impressed. "Offense or defense?"
-- Mike Maloney

10. Introductions
The night before she was to attend a celebrity golf tournament, my friend Irene went to a party in honor of the event. Several of the famous athletes who were playing in the tournament were at the door greeting guests. Among them was Joe Montana, the pro football Hall of Fame quarterback and Super Bowl winner. Shaking my friend's hand, he said, "Hi! Joe Montana."

She didn't know Joe Montana from Joe Six-Pack, so in all sincerity she extended her hand and said, "Irene. Minnesota."
-- Roger Lee

11. Separation
As a Catholic, I'm partial to Notre Dame football. As a former Michigan resident, though, I also keep tabs on Michigan college teams. One Saturday afternoon, a neighbor dropped in while I was watching Notre Dame vs. Michigan State. "Which team do you want to win?" he asked.

"Gee, I don't know," I replied. "I'm kind of torn between Church and State."
-- Robert A. Kozma

12. Teammates
Our high school has lots of spirit, but that didn't help the football team, who had yet to win a game. So when our principal saw some cheerleaders sitting in the stands, he asked, "Don't you think you girls should be down there cheering for your team?" "I think," one of them said, "we should be down there playing for our team."
-- Emily Karnes, Pueblo, Colo.

13. Number 1
At five-ten and 114 pounds, our son, Dan, is the skinniest player on his high school football team. During one of his games, I remarked to a cousin, "I wonder why they gave him the uniform with the number 1 on it."

"It's probably the only one that fit," she said.
-- Diane Feldman, Litchfield, Neb.

14. Finding Tickets
A buddy of mine, Mike, had season tickets to the Detroit Lions football games. Last year they had such a miserable record that he couldn't give away two tickets to a game he wasn't able to attend. While parking at a mall, he decided to leave the tickets under his windshield wiper. "And that worked?" I asked.

"Not exactly," said Mike. "I returned to find six more tickets to the same game."
-- Joseph L. Fromm

15. Game Day Surgery
On a Saturday afternoon when football fever was running high in South Bend, Indiana, a Notre Dame student was brought into the hospital where I was on duty as a nurse. He had acute appendicitis, and as I prepared him for surgery I asked if he wasn't terribly disappointed to miss the big game.

"Oh, I won't miss it," he said. "Doc is giving me a spinal anesthetic so I can listen to it during the operation!"
-- Rita Hamilton

While I was working security at a football game, a fan spilled beer on a cheerleader's pop-poms. As a favor, I rinsed them off in the men's room. As I shook off the water, someone came out of a stall. Stunned, he announced, "That's the first time anyone's cheered me on while going to the bathroom."

I'm not good at sports, but I like parallel parking. Unlike sports, the worse you are at parallel parking, the more people you have rooting for you.

One of the players on our junior high football team never saw action in a game. But my brother, the assistant coach, liked the kid and always gave him pep talks.

"Remember, Ben," he told him, "everyone on this team has an important role. There is no I in team."

"True," said the boy. "But there is a Ben in bench.

I was sprawled on the living-room couch watching my favorite show on the Food Network when my husband walked in.

"Why do you watch those food shows?" he asked. "You don't even cook."

Glaring back at him, I asked, "Then why do you watch football?"

Fred comes home from his usual Saturday golf game. "What a terrible day," he tells his wife. "Harry dropped dead on the tenth tee."

"Oh, that's awful!" she says.

"You're not kidding," says Fred. "For the whole back nine, it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry …"

Looking down the stairs at a football game, a fan spots an open seat on the 50-yard line. He asks the man sitting next to it if the seat is taken.

"No," he replies. "I used to take my wife to all the games, but ever since she passed away, I’ve gone alone."

"Why don’t you invite a friend?"

"I can’t. They’re all at the funeral."

Q: How do you say "Michael Phelps" in Chinese?

A: Ka Ching.

When the patient was wheeled into the emergency room, I could tell he was out of it. I asked if he knew the date. He didn’t.

"Do you know what season it is?"

He thought a moment. "Baseball?"

1. Petty Theft Football players at the high school where I worked were stealing the practice jerseys, so the coach ordered a set with "Property of Central High School" emblazoned on them. When the thefts continued, he ordered a new batch that had the imprint "Stolen from Central High School." But the jerseys still kept disappearing. The larceny finally stopped after he changed the wording to "Central High School 4th String."

-- Hal Olsen

2. Sports and Poetry The college football player knew his way around the locker room better than he did the library. So when my husband's co-worker saw the gridiron star roaming the stacks looking confused, she asked how she could help. "I have to read a play by Shakespeare," he said. "Which one?" she asked. He scanned the shelves and answered, "William."

-- Sandra J. Yarbrough

3. Praying for Overtime My husband, a big-time sports fan, was watching a football game with our grandchildren. He had just turned 75 and was feeling a little wistful. "You know," he said to our grandson, Nick, "it's not easy getting old. I guess I'm in the fourth quarter now."

"Don't worry, Grandpa," Nick said cheerily. "Maybe you'll go into overtime."

-- Evelyn Bredleau

4. Calling the Coach As a high school football coach, I'm aware that student athletes tend to focus too much on sports. A fellow coach, Bob, was talking about one such player, who called him at home one night. When his wife informed the kid that Bob wasn't home, he became frantic and said he had to speak to the coach right away. "Just calm down, and I'll have him call you as soon as he gets home," the coach's wife told him. "What's your number?"

The flustered kid replied, "Three.

-- Allan Floyd

5. Football Makes Sense A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin. One team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!' I'm like, Hello-o-o? It's only 25 cents!"

-- Melissa Jones

Football finally makes sense. A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.


"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."


Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"


"Well, they flipped a coin. One team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!' I'm like, Hello-o-o? It's only 25 cents!"

Halfway through dinner one night, our friend Jim told us of his days playing football in college as a defensive lineman.

"Did you play sports in college, Mike?" his wife then asked me.

"Yes," I answered.

"I was on West Point's shooting team."

"That's great," she said, appropriately impressed. "Offense or defense?"

 

Our high school has lots of spirit, but that didn't help the football team, who had yet to win a game. So when our principal saw some cheerleaders sitting in the stands, he asked, "Don't you think you girls should be down there cheering for your team?"

"I think," one of them said, "we should be down there playing for our team."

I was sitting behind an enthusiastic mom at my son's Little League game. Her boy was pitching for the opposing team and she cheered as he threw wild pitch after wild pitch. The poor kid walked every batter. It was only the first inning and the score was 14–0. Then one batter finally smacked the ball.

"Oh no," the mom wailed. "There goes his no-hitter."

As a high-school football coach, I'm aware that student athletes tend to focus too much on sports. A fellow coach, Bob, was talking about one such player, who called him at home one night. When his wife informed the kid that Bob wasn't home, he became frantic and said he had to speak to the coach right away.

"Just calm down, and I'll have him call you as soon as he gets home," the coach's wife told him. "What's your number?"

The flustered kid replied, "Three."

As a Catholic, I'm partial to Notre Dame football. As a former Michigan resident, though, I also keep tabs on Michigan college teams. One Saturday afternoon, a neighbor dropped in while I was watching Notre Dame vs. Michigan State.

"Which team do you want to win?" he asked.

"Gee, I don't know," I replied. "I'm kind of torn between Church and State."

 

 

Driving home dejected from Baton Rouge, Louisiana, after a Mississippi-Louisiana State college football game that Ole Miss had lost 24-0, I was ignoring the speed limit and, sure enough, a Louisiana patrolman flagged me down. "You've got me, Officer," I confessed as I handed him my license. "I was speeding."

The officer confirmed that I was clocked at 72 m.p.h. But as he spoke, I noticed him stealing a peek at my game program and a pair of binoculars on the passenger seat. "Were you down for the big game?" he asked.

"Yes, sir," I replied. The officer then paused for what seemed like an eternity.

"Well," he said finally, "I guess you've suffered enough."

I couldn't believe my good fortune. But as my license was handed back to me, I felt compelled to ask a question. "Officer," I said, "what if Ole Miss had won?"

"I'd have locked you up in a heartbeat," came his reply. "Now keep it under 60!"

My husband bought an exercise machine to help him shed a few pounds. He set it up in the basement but didn't use it much, so he moved it to the bedroom. It gathered dust there, too, so he put it in the living room. Weeks later I asked how it was going. "I was right," he said. "I do get more exercise now. Every time I close the drapes, I have to walk around the machine."

About to have a blood test, I nervously waited while the nurse tightened a tourniquet around my arm. "I understand you're from Oklahoma," she said. "Are you a Sooners fan?"

"Absolutely!" I replied.

"Well," she continued as she raised the needle, "this may hurt a little. I'm from Nebraska."

 

 

A friend of mine had resisted efforts to get him to run with our jogging group until his doctor told him he had to exercise. Soon thereafter, he reluctantly joined us for our 5:30 a.m. jogs on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.

After a month of running, we decided that my friend might be hooked, especially when he said he had discovered what "runner's euphoria" was. "Runner's euphoria," he explained, "is what I feel at 5:30 on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays."l

On a Saturday afternoon when football fever was running high in South Bend, Indiana, a Notre Dame student was brought into the hospital where I was on duty as a nurse. He had acute appendicitis, and as I prepared him for surgery I asked if he wasn't terribly disappointed to miss the big game.

"Oh, I won't miss it," he said. "Doc is giving me a spinal anesthetic so I can listen to it during the operation!"

 

 

Standing on the sidelines, during a game being played by my school's football team, I saw one of the players take a hard hit. He tumbled to the ground and didn't move.

We grabbed our first-aid gear and rushed out onto the field. The coach picked up the young man's hand and urged, "Son, can you hear me? Squeeze once for yes and twice for no."

 

 

I played for a semipro baseball team. At every game we sold raffle tickets. Half the money paid the team’s expenses and the other half went to the winning ticket holder. One day they held the drawing just as I was stepping up to bat.

The home plate umpire pulled the winning ticket, and then turned to me. "Could you read me the number?" he asked. "My vision’s not too good."

It was the first day of basketball practice at Wingate high school in Brooklyn, N.Y. Coach Jack Kaminer handed a ball to each player. "Fellas," he said, "I want you to practice shooting from the spots you might expect to be in during the game."

The No. 12 sub immediately sat down on the bench and began arcing the ball toward the basket.

 

 

Back at my high school for the tenth reunion, I met my old coach. Walking through the gym, we came upon a plaque on which I was still listed as the record holder for the longest softball throw.

Noticing my surprise, the coach said, "That record will stand forever."

I was about to make some modest disclaimer that records exist to be broken, when he added, "We stopped holding that event years ago."

Blood may be thicker than water, but baseball beats them both. I learned this after explaining to my two boys that they were half-Lithuanian on their father's side, and half-Yankee, meaning their other set of parents came from an old New England family.

My younger son looked worried. "But we're still a hundred percent Red Sox, right, Mom?"