Mom Jokes

Cleaning with kids in the house is like brushing your teeth with Oreos.

When I was growing up, my mother’s best dish was store-bought Entenmann’s chocolate chip cookies. —Michael Ian Black, 
from Navel Gazing (Gallery Books)

One of my friends is pregnant. And I’m really excited. Not for the baby but because she’s one of my skinniest friends. @MichelleIsAWolf (Michelle Wolf)

Logic: “If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me.” Humor: “When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.” Justice: “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you. Then you’ll see what it’s like!” Source: thestir.cafemom.com

There is nothing more awkward than the moment you realize you’re getting a double-cheek kiss. @michmarkowitz (Michelle Markowitz)

“We’re eating 
dinner soon. 
Don’t fill up 
on homework.” 
—Dog mom  Alex Baze (@bazecraze)

My mother was rushed to the 
hospital following a serious tumble. There the staff placed a band around her wrist with large letters warning: Fall Risk. Unimpressed, Mom said to me, “I’ll have them know I’m a winter, spring, and summer risk too.” Betty Heim-Campbell, Fairhope, Alabama

I put so much more effort into naming my first Wi-Fi than my 
first child. @1followernodad (Sophia Benoit)

Texting acronyms can stump even the best parents: Mom: Your great-aunt just passed away. LOL. Son: Why is that funny? Mom: It’s not funny, David! What do you mean? Son: Mom, LOL means Laughing Out Loud. Mom: I thought it meant Lots of Love. I have to call everyone back. ~ Daughter: I got an A in Chemistry. Mom: WTF! Daughter: Mom, what do you think WTF means? Mom: Well That’s Fantastic. ~ Mom: What do IDK, LY & TTYL mean? Son: I don’t know, love you, talk to you later. Mom: OK, I will ask your sister. Source: lifebuzz.com

The first time my mother flew, she was a nervous wreck. During takeoff, the roar from the engines proved 
reassuring—it meant they were working, she reasoned. But when the plane leveled off, so did the engines. Grabbing the armrests, she asked aloud, “Did we stop?” Samantha Earls, Wister, Oklahoma

I once got a text from my mom where “You’re amazing” autocorrected to “You’re adopted.” @StefenColalillo On Valentine’s Day last year, my mom texted me, “Enjoy your VD.” Not the best time to 
abbreviate, Mom. @HollyLouHarris My mom once texted me “can you come over, I want you to take a selfie of me.” @stefaniLegs

“My great-grandma gave me this money,” said my three-year-old, happily clutching a $20 bill he’d 
gotten as a present. “That’s right,” I said. “How did you know that?” Pointing to Andrew Jackson’s face in the middle, he said, “Because her picture is on it.” —Andi Olson, Avondale, Arizona

In an attempt to balance work and motherhood, I delegated the grocery shopping to my young babysitter. But the job proved a tad daunting. One day while I was at work, she texted me from the supermarket. "Can't find Brillo pads," she wrote. "All they have are Tampax and Kotex."

My mom moved into a new condo, and I went to visit for a couple of days. Searching for a coffee cup one morning, I sighed, "It seems like I'm always looking for something in your kitchen." "That's good," Mom said. When I looked confused, she explained, "Because when you know where to look, it's time to go home."

Renting a film? Check My Mom's Movie Review, where comic Lauren Palmigiano's mother gives her opinions.

Burlesque
Oh. My. God. Loved it. I will watch this 100 times. If I'm in jail and they ask what I want for my last meal—I'll say, "The Burlesque DVD and lobster."

The Town
I thought it was the Betty White movie, so I was very surprised when I saw it was the Ben Affleck movie. Actually, I didn't understand a lot of what they were saying because they had the thickest Boston accents I've ever heard. It sounded like a foreign language, but I know it was English.

Shutter Island
I thought it was going to be really scary. But I only screamed one time. A one-screamer. Leonardo DiCaprio's hair in the movie looks terrible. They gave him a bowl cut. He has a tiny Band-Aid on his forehead. They never explain why it's there. Maybe he had a pimple.

I can’t tell the difference between a rose and a dandelion. So when it came time to fix up my garden, I had no clue which plants to keep and which ones to remove. Until, that is, my mother gave me this handy tip: "Pull them all up. If it comes back, it’s a weed."

My coworker at the hotel was miserable at his job and was desperately searching for a new one.

"Why don’t you work for your mother?" I suggested.

He shook his head. "I can’t," he said. "Her company has a very strict policy against hiring relatives."

"Who made up that ridiculous rule?"

"My mother."

My cousin was in love and wanted to introduce his bride-to-be to his hypercritical mother. But in order to get an unbiased opinion, he invited over three other female friends as well and didn't tell his mom which one he intended to marry.

After the four women left, he asked his mother, "Can you guess which one I want to marry?"

"The one with short hair."

"Yes! How'd you know?"

"Because that's the one I didn't like."

Over dinner, I explained the health benefits of a colorful meal to my family. "The more colors, the more variety of nutrients," I told them. Pointing to our food, I asked, "How many different colors do you see?"

"Six," volunteered my daughter. "Seven if you count the burned parts."

"Why doesn't your mother like me?" a woman asks her boyfriend. "Don't take it personally," he assures her. "She's never liked anyone I've dated. I once dated someone exactly like her, and that didn't work out at all." "What happened?" "My father couldn't stand her."

My wife, a real estate agent, wrote an ad for a house she was listing. The house had a second-floor suite that could be accessed using a lift chair that slid along the staircase. Quickly describing this feature, she inadvertently made it sound even more attractive: "Mother-in-law suite comes with an electric chair."

I was sound asleep when the telephone jarred me awake.

"Hi!" It was my peppy mother-in-law. She proceeded to rattle on about the busy day she had ahead and all the things that awaited her the rest of the week.

"Mom," I interrupted. "It's five in the morning."

"Really? What are you doing up so early?"

Fresh out of gift ideas, a man buys his mother-in-law a large plot in an expensive cemetery. On her next birthday, he buys her nothing, so she lets him have it. "What are you complaining about?" he fires back.

"You still haven't used the present I gave you last year."

The night we took our three young sons to an upscale restaurant for the first time, my husband ordered a bottle of wine. The server brought it over, began the ritual uncorking, and poured a small amount for me to taste.

My six-year-old piped up, "Mom usually drinks a lot more than that."

My mother, a master of guilt trips, showed me a photo of herself waiting by a phone that never rings.

"Mom, I call all the time," I said. "If you had voicemail, you'd know." Soon after, my brother installed it for her. 

When I called the next time, I got her message: "If you are a salesperson, press one. If you're a friend, press two. If you're my daughter who never calls, press 911 because the shock will probably give me a heart attack."

 

 

 

A couple invited some people to dinner. At the table, the wife turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

My mother is always trying to understand what motivates people, especially those in her family. One day she and my sister were talking about one relative's bad luck. "Why do you suppose she changed jobs?" Mother asked my sister. "Maybe she has a subconscious desire not to succeed."

"Or maybe it just happened," said my sister, exasperated. "Do you know you analyze everything to death?"

Mother was silent for a moment. "That's true," she said. "Why do you think I do that?"

 

 

On vacation in Hawaii, my step- mom, Sandy, called a café to make reservations for 7 p.m. Checking her book, the cheery young hostess said, "I'm sorry, all we have is 6:45. Would you like that?"

"That's fine," Sandy said.

"Okay," the woman confirmed. Then she added, "Just be advised you may have to wait 15 minutes for your table."

 

 

I discussed peer pressure and cigarettes with my 12-year-old daughter. Having struggled for years to quit, I described how I had started smoking to "be cool."

As I outlined the arguments kids might make to tempt her to try it, she stopped me mid-lecture, saying, "Hey, I'll just tell them my mom smokes. How cool can it be?"

Mother and I were discussing our mutual weight problem one evening, when I challenged her to a contest. If I lost the most weight in the next month, I wouldn't have to pay her the $6 that I owed her. If she lost the most weight, I would have to pay up. Anything for an incentive! "All right," said Mother happily. "But let's wait two weeks before we start. There are some things I have to eat first."

One rainy morning, my mother went for her daily run. As she returned to the house, she slipped and fell, hitting her head on the driveway. I called the paramedics. When they arrived, they asked my mom some questions to determine her coherency. "What is today?" inquired one man. Without hesitation, Mom replied, "Trash day."

Although I knew I had put on a few pounds, I didn't consider myself overweight until the day I decided to clean my refrigerator. I sat on a chair in front of the appliance and reached in to wipe the back wall. While I was in this position, my teenage son came into the kitchen. "Hi, Mom," he said. "Whatcha doin', having lunch?" I started my diet that day.  

When I arrived at school for my daughter's parent-teacher conference, the teacher seemed a bit flustered, especially when she started telling me that my little girl didn't always pay attention in class and was sometimes a little flighty.

"For example, she'll do the wrong page in the workbook," the teacher explained, "and I've even found her sitting at the wrong desk."

"I don't understand," I replied defensively. "Where could she have gotten that?"

The teacher went on to reassure me that my daughter was still doing fine in school and was sweet and likable. Finally, after a pause, she added, "By the way, Mrs. Gulbrandsen, our appointment was tomorrow."

 

 

On our way to my parents' house for dinner one evening, I glanced over at my 15-year-old daughter. "Isn't that skirt a bit short?" I asked. She rolled her eyes at my comment and gave me one of those "Oh, Mom" looks.

When we arrived at my folks' place, my mother greeted us at the door, hugged my daughter, then turned to me and said, "Elizabeth! Don't you think that blouse is awfully low-cut?"

 

 

While driving on the highway, my daughter noticed a child in the window of a car in the next lane, holding up a handwritten sign that read "Help."

A few minutes later, the car passed her and she again glanced at it. The little boy held up the same sign and this time followed it with another, which read "My mother is singing!"

 

 

A couple of hours into a visit with my mother she noticed I hadn’t lit up a cigarette once. "Are you trying to kick the habit?" "No," I replied, "I’ve got a cold and I don’t smoke when I’m not feeling well." "You know," she observed, "you’d probably live longer if you were sick more often."

While doing renovations in our house, one of the workmen paused to look at a flattering photo of me wearing makeup and a fancy gown. I heard him let out a low whistle and ask my son, Joshua, "Who's that?"

"That's my mom," Joshua answered.

"Wow," the man said, "my mother doesn't look like that."

"Yeah," my son said, "well, neither does mine."