Live on the fun side of marriage with our wife jokes and funny husband jokes.
Marriage can be tough. But for better or for worse, these marriage jokes and wedding puns will have you doubling over laughing. Check out our collection of love jokes for an extra laugh.
"I see," my husband said after a brief silence. "And that explains the engagement."
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"Well, frankly," the wife said, "it wouldn't work out if one of us didn't have a good disposition."
"Which one?" we asked.
"Oh," she laughed, "we take turns."
He watched as I gathered our newborn onto my left arm and picked up a package with that hand. I flung a diaper bag and my purse over my right shoulder, grabbed our two-year-old with my free hand and wrestled the car keys from him.
My husband shook his head. "No, thanks," he said. "At least where I'm going they give you anesthesia."
But when we realized we were gaining weight, not losing it, I checked the recipes again. There, in fine print, was "Serves 6."
One tap meant "Give me a kiss." Two taps meant "No." Three taps meant "Yes"—and 95 taps meant "Take out the garbage."
I felt very flattered and, as I took off my fins, asked him coyly why he had stayed in the water for so long. "I'm the lifeguard," he replied matter-of-factly. "I couldn't get out until you did."
Later that night my husband's friend and his wife were driving to a restaurant. Suddenly he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car. With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That's when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat.
"Honey," she asked, "have you seen my other shoe?"
I said, "The three most important words in a marriage are, 'You're probably right.' "
Everyone then looked expectantly at my husband. "She's probably right," he said.
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
"University of Oklahoma," he yelled back.
"Yeah, but when you step back and look at the big picture, I'm still ahead," I said.
She looked mystified. "How do you figure?"
"I married better," I replied.
The teacher then dropped a pen and asked him to pick it up.
"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant?" he asked.
"Exactly," replied the instructor.
To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."
Without a moment's hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one like it's your own!"
"Yeah," she said. "You doing housework."
I dropped by one day, when the patio was near completion, and was surprised to find the husband smiling from ear to ear as the workmen smoothed over the surface. I remarked how nice it was to see a grin replace the frown he had been wearing lately.
“You see where they’re smoothing that cement?” he replied. “I just threw my wife’s credit cards in there.”
While a woman is keeping vigil beside her husband's deathbed, he says to her, "Before I die, I have something to confess to you."
"Shh, not now," she replies.
"But I need to tell you: I cheated on you," he admits.
"Yes, I know," she replies.
"I need to clear my conscience before I die… "
"Shh," she counters. "Just lie back and let the poison work."
After about 20 minutes of listening to the squeaky machine, he glanced up, somewhat annoyed. "Don't you think it's time you turned around and headed for home?" he asked.
"Why don't you ever wear your ring?" I asked.
"It cuts off my circulation," Paul replied.
"I know," I said. "It's supposed to."
"That's up to you," I replied. "There's all kinds of food. Why don't you pretend I'm not home?"
A few minutes later, my cell phone rang. I answered it to hear my husband saying, "Yeah, hi, honey. Uh…what should I feed Lily for lunch?"
When I popped in one evening to see how he was managing, he crowed, "I made a cake, frosted it, washed the kitchen windows, cleaned all the cupboards, scrubbed the kitchen floor, walls and ceiling and even had a bath."
I was about to concede that perhaps he was a better manager than his wife, when he added sheepishly, "When I was making the chocolate frosting, I forgot to turn off the mixer before taking the beaters out of the bowl, so I had to do all the rest."
Giving me a casual glance, she replied, "They'd say I married you for your money."
"A long, long time," she agreed. Then she smiled. "Something just occurred to me."
"If I had killed your brother the first time I felt like it, I'd be out of jail by now."
“Diane,” she said emphatically, “just being man and woman is opposite enough.”
"Hold them up and imagine them on me," she said. "If you smile, put them back."
"Oh, good," she said, clearly delighted. "You got the house."
As we left the gym after our first real workout in years, my husband and I both felt energized. "Let's renew our commitment to do it three times a week," I said.
"Absolutely," my husband agreed, "three times as a minimum."
"And no whining," I said. "No excuses."
"No, we'll do it with energy and enthusiasm."
"And on my late night, we can just meet here at the gym."
"The gym?" my husband said, crestfallen. "I thought we were talking about sex!"
"Your bicycle has been stationary," I remarked. "That's why you need to lose ten pounds."
"What did he say when he found out?" one club member asked.
"He never found out," she said. "I made another cake and ate half."
Glancing wearily over at his wife, trying to calm a new baby and tend to several other children milling around her, he sighed, "Every time."
I couldn't have been more right. As I pulled into the driveway, my husband burst out the door and came up to me. Rubbing our new car, he anxiously queried, "Did you get salt on it?"
One day I told him, "I hope in your next life you get to be pregnant!"
He replied, "I hope in your next life you get to be married to someone who's pregnant!"
Pleased with myself, I said, "How many fat men do you know who can do that?"
"One," she retorted.
"Sweetie," the woman replied. "I just spent ten days of quality time in a compact rental car with this man. I know what I'm requesting."
In Nevada, my husband and I attended the wedding of a man and woman of different faiths. A Protestant minister and a Catholic priest performed an ecumenical marriage ceremony. In unison they proclaimed the couple husband and wife.
Afterward, a man was overheard congratulating the father of the bride. “Fifty years ago this could not have happened.”
“No,” replied the father. “Religion has come a long way.”
“Religion! Who’s talking about religion? I mean a cattleman’s daughter marrying a sheepman’s son.”
"Lucky you," he said as he started to write up the order. "My wife got me a length of chain and a cement block."
"Try to test her hearing at home and let me know how severe her problem is before you bring her in for treatment," the doctor said.
So that evening, when his wife was preparing dinner, Joe stood 15 feet behind her and said, "What's for dinner, honey?"
He moved to ten feet behind her and asked again.
Then he stood five feet in back of her and tried again but still got no answer. Finally, he stood directly behind her and asked, "Honey, what's for supper?"
She turned around. "For the fourth time—I said chicken!"
Her husband responded, "If I'd known about the sex, I would've had the surgery a long time ago!"
He looked confused. 'What are you talking about?"
"Haven't you noticed I haven't spoken to you for three days?" I challenged.
"No," he said. "I just thought we were getting along."
Drifting off to sleep, he drowsily whispered back, "Your dividend growth fund went up three days this week."
"No, I hadn't thought about it," I responded, "but now that you mention it, I have a daughter who turned two a couple days before the same date."
After she finished taking down all the data, she patted my hand and said, "Maybe you should start buying your husband a tie for his birthday."
The delivery truck hadn't even returned to the store when the phone rang. It was the customer's wife. "Who sent the flowers?" she asked.
After explaining that the customer had requested that no card be included, I considered the matter closed—but not so. A bit later, she came rushing in the front door. "You've got to tell me who sent the flowers," she demanded, "before my husband gets home."
He studied the situation for a moment and, without a word, moved a figurine on the window-sill where the sun was streaming in. The spot immediately disappeared.
"With this ring…" I began romantically.
"We could pay off Visa," he responded.
That evening as we were watching television, the same commercial came on. Slyly I glanced over at my husband just as he commented, "What kind of idiot would pay $42 for a baseball?"
Soon she came out, limping slightly and pretty upset. The problem wasn't the size of her pants; she had stubbed her toe in the dressing room.
His friend nodded. "I like women who get mad like that."
All eyes were on him when he said, "Oh, Cindy and I met in college. We were matched up by a computer according to compatibility."
"That's the whole story?" my wife asked incredulously.
"Oh, no," he replied with a grin. "They've fixed the computer since then."
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"Her astrological sign is the one for earth. Mine is the one for water. Together we made mud."
"Are you serious?" I asked, laughing.
"Of course I'm serious," he said. "I'm on my bad knee."
"How long have you been married?" I asked.
"Ten years," she replied.
"Honey," she said, "your turn signal is still on. And put your lights on—it's starting to rain."
As I stripped off my sweatshirt at the breakfast table one warm morning, my T-shirt started to come off too.
My husband let out a low whistle. I took it as a compliment until he said, from behind his newspaper, "Can you believe the price of bananas?"
A man and his wife were taking an afternoon drive through the countryside. They had just had a big argument and were not talking to one another. Finally the husband decided to break the silence and say something sarcastic to his wife: “Look at all the cows and pigs in the pasture. Don’t they remind you of your relatives?”
The wife replied, “Yes, they do. They remind me of my in-laws.”