Live on the fun side of marriage with our wife jokes and funny husband jokes.
Marriage can be tough. But for better or for worse, these marriage jokes and wedding puns will have you doubling over laughing. Check out our collection of love jokes for an extra laugh.
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For a romantic touch, I washed our sheets with lavender-scented detergent. When my husband got into bed, he sniffed. "What's this?" he asked.
"Guess," I said coyly.
"I have no idea," he said. "It smells like the stuff you use to line the hamster's cage."
As I'd hoped, I got a reaction from my husband.
When he saw me, he shouted, "Are those potato chips?"
Making matters worse, the tide had gone out, grounding the boat. We had to climb overboard and shove it back into deep water.
As my friend stood there—ankles deep in muck, muscles straining against the weight of the boat, and rain pelting his face—he grinned broadly and with unmistakable sincerity said, "Sure beats shopping!"
"You’re running around with another woman— admit it!" she demanded.
"What other woman?" Adam shot back. "You’re it!"
That night, Adam was fast asleep when he was awakened by Eve poking him in the chest.
"What are you doing?"
"Counting your ribs."
A soldier in my National Guard platoon became concerned when the Army insisted that he sign up for direct deposit.
"It’s not going to work for me," he said, panicked.
"Why not?" I asked.
"Because I use my Guard pay for spending money."
"For the past ten years, I’ve been telling my wife that I serve for free!"
"Kids," he said over the din, "if you would behave and be kind to each other, that would be a very nice birthday present for me."
Our six-year-old shot back: "Too late, I already got you another present."
"Things haven’t changed that much," she said. "Only difference is, before, he didn’t listen. Now, he can’t."
He stumbles to the kitchen and, sure enough, there’s breakfast. “Joe,” he says to his son, “what happened last night?”
“You came home soused and got that black eye tripping over a chair.”
“So, why the rose, breakfast, and sweet note from your mother?”
“Oh, that. Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take off your clothes, you screamed, ‘Leave me alone, I’m married!’”
"Did you hear that?" she asked her husband. "No sex for three days."
"I heard," he said. "But she was speaking to you."
Me: Paper or plastic?
Customer: I'd like double-bagged paper, and I'd like you to make each bag as heavy as possible.
Customer: In case you're wondering, I had a fight with my wife, and it's my turn to pick up the groceries.
Customer: It's also her turn to unload the car.
"If it's that bad, why don't you just leave him?" asked the second friend.
"I'd like to lose another 15 pounds first."
One day, after another bad ride, I told him my horse seemed depressed. "How do I cheer up a horse?" I asked.
He shared his secret: "Tell her she's good at stuff and that she looks beautiful."
"The word is eight letters long and starts with m, and the clue is 'tiresome sameness.'"
"Monogamy," he answered.
"Yeah," came the reply. "My wife."
"I forgot your phone number," he said.
"You could've looked it up in the phone book."
"I didn't know what name to look under."
A: Who cares? They never get the house anyway.
A: Who cares? They never get the house anyway.
That night, Harry stumbles back home as usual. But instead of berating him, Louise helps him into an easy chair, puts his feet up on the ottoman, removes his shoes, and gently massages his neck.
"It's late," she whispers. "I think we should go upstairs to bed now, don't you?"
"Might as well," says Harry. "I'll get in trouble if I go home."
"Oh, we've been married ten years," I said.
"Really?" she asked. "But you look so happy."
"What did you do wrong?" I said with a laugh.
He mumbled back, "I got married."
"Did you marry Grandpa when he came home from the war?" I asked.
"Oh, I didn't marry the man who wrote the letters. Your grandfather was the mailman."
"Careful," he cries. "Careful! You're cooking too many at once. Too many! Scramble them! Now! We need more butter. They're going to stick! Careful! Now scramble them again! Hurry up! Are you crazy? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. Use the salt! The salt!"
The wife turns and asks, "What is wrong with you?"
Her husband calmly replies, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
"No, you haven't," I gushed.
"Good. Because I couldn't put up with this every morning."
"I bet you wish you'd married a smaller man," my father said.
My mother mumbled, "I did."
Friend #1: Are you visiting us tomorrow? Do you need directions?
Friend #2: I'm all set. I have the address, a GPS, and a GPS override.
Friend #1: What's a GPS override?
Friend #2: My wife.
"That's a serious matter," came the reply. "I think you should consult another manicurist."
"Get it," she said. "Then you'll have an excuse for when you miss."
"It's a term of endearment," I explained.
My husband mumbled, "After more than 40 years, it's a term of endurement."
Our teacher overheard her and shook her head. "I didn't spend that much on my wedding."
My friend answered, "I can have three or four weddings. But a prom you do only once."
"That's okay," she said, taking it. "I have a husband at home like that."
A single woman goes home, sees what's in the fridge, and goes to bed. A married woman sees what's in bed and goes to the fridge.
"That's a great philosophy," I noted.
"Yes. And the longest we've been awake so far is five days."
"Well," says the husband, "I'm in good health, so why not?"
"Would she live in my house?"
"It's all paid up, so yes."
"Would she drive my car?"
"It's new, so yes."
"Would she use my golf clubs?"
"No. She's left-handed."
"Allow me to clarify," he said in response. "I review. You repeat."
Not taking the bait, she responded, "Yeah, through marriage."
"This is just rosemary extract," I complained to my husband. "I can't believe I spent all that money for something that I have growing like wild in the yard!"
"See?" he said. "You're smarter already."
Once again, a ceremony is conducted, and at the end, the pallbearers carry out the casket. As they head toward the doors of the church, the wife of the deceased leaps to her feet and shouts, "Watch the wall!"
"Don't bother—that was my bed," she said. "He wouldn't have gone anywhere near it."
There are women whose thoughtful husbands buy them flowers for no reason. And then there's me. One day I couldn't stand it any longer. "Why don't you ever bring me flowers?" I asked.
"What's the point?" my husband said. "They die after about a week."
"So could you," I shot back, "but I still like having you around."
When I finally arrived home, my wife gave me the longest kiss ever. "I really think you love me," she said. "At least 70 people called and told me so."
My wife and I were having a very hypothetical discussion: In the unlikely event that Hollywood made a movie based on our lives, we wondered what stars would play us.
"Who would you pick to portray you?" she asked me.
I thought about it for a minute, then answered, "Dennis Quaid."
"In that case," she said, "I'll play myself."
An elderly couple had been shopping at a grocery store, and the wife decided to steal a can of peaches. The inevitable happened and she was caught. Upon her court date, the judge asked her what she had stolen.
"Your Honor, I stole a can of peaches."
The judge replied, "How many peaches were in the can?"
She said, "Six."
The judge then said, "I will sentence you to six days in jail."
Her husband stood up behind her and replied, "Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas."
When we finished a personality assessment at work, I asked my friend Dan if he would share the results with his wife. "That would require me to go home and say, 'Hi, honey. I just paid someone $400 to tell me what's wrong with me,' " he said. "And based on that, considering we've been married 23 years, she'd hand me a bill for $798,000."
On the first day of our marriage retreat, the instructor talked about the importance of knowing what matters to each other.
"For example," he began, pointing to my husband, David, "do you know your wife's favorite flower?"
David answered, "Pillsbury All Purpose."
Though the vocabulary words we were learning in my second-grade class sort of sounded the same, they had very different meanings.
This concept was not lost on one bright boy who knew what those differences were:
"When people marry more than once, it's called polygamy. But when people marry only once, it's called monotony."
When it did not, my thoughtful seven-year-old gave me a hug. "It's okay, Mom," she said. "The next time Daddy goes out of town, you can try and get pregnant again."
When I asked him if he wanted the earrings gift-wrapped, he said, "That'd be great. But can you make it quick? I forgot today was my anniversary, and my wife thinks I'm taking out the trash."
"Yes," I replied. "It's our honeymoon."
"And how many adults will there be?" she asked.
Later that day, Chris was noticeably upset, so Nancy asked what was wrong. "I don't understand," he said. "How can we have the ceremony without me?"
A few hours later, I recognized the same young man waiting in my line. When his turn came, he said somewhat sheepishly, "I need to change the numbers on that plate application."
"You should see the new woman on the force," I said. "She's tremendous, and wearing a .38."
I didn't notice the silence until my wife broke it icily with, "I wear a 38."
"Why?" asks the second prisoner. "Because she married a con?"
"No. Because they eloped."
"I have to go," I told my wife. "Two of our guards have been held up at gunpoint at a superstore."
As I dashed out the door, she called, "While you're there, pick up some big cardboard boxes."
The agent sent the device to FBI headquarters in Washington, D.C., for analysis. Two weeks later, the judge phoned Washington to find out the results of their tests.
"We're not sure where the disc came from," the FBI told him, "but we discovered that when you press it, it plays 'Jingle Bells.' "
Just as I was thinking, How thoughtful of him, he added, "Better take the dog with you."