Funny Stories

When my father ran out of gas, he called my mother to pick him up in her car. They went to a gas station, filled a gas can, and returned to his car. After a few minutes, he got into her car again. "We need to go back to the gas station," he said. "One gallon wasn't enough?" she asked. "It would have been if I'd put it in the right car."

Anyone can eavesdrop, but not everyone thinks to record conversations for posterity. We thank those snoopers who alerted overheardinnewyork.com to these: Guy: Your glasses can't be bad—you just got them! Girl: Yeah, but I cheated on the eye exam, so it's really my own fault. Guy: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Girl: I'm very competitive. Girl: Why would he say that I was not educated? Friend: Well, that's not exactly what he said, now, was it? Girl: No. He said I was tapid and voided of thought. Friend: Vapid and devoid of thought. Girl: Same thing. Girl #1 (picking up box of baking soda): I didn't know soda was baked. Girl #2: Thank God it's not fried! Do you know how many extra calories that would be?!

My mother asked me to hand out invitations for my brother's surprise birthday party. That's when I realized he was her favorite twin.

Brevity is next to confusion in the insurance business. When a client died, her daughter told our agency that she would cancel the home policy the following week, once her mother's belongings were removed. Simple, right? Here's the note that was placed in the client's file: "Deceased will call next week to cancel moving her things out."

Overheard in a ladies' fitting room: "Honestly, do these pants make my rear end look big?" "Honestly? Your rear end makes the pants look big."

Once I'd finished reviewing my daughter's homework, I gave her an impromptu quiz. "What is a group of whales called?" I asked. "I'll give you a hint—it sounds like something you use to listen to music." "An iPod?" she guessed. "Close," I said. "But what I'm thinking of is a little smaller." "A Shuffle!"

Just as I began my Christmas Eve service, the electricity in the church failed. The ushers and I found some candles and placed them around the sanctuary. Then I reentered the pulpit, shuffled my notes, and muttered, "Now, where was I?" A tired voice called out, "Right near the end!"

After giving birth, I quit my job. The exit questionnaire asked, "What steps would have prevented you from leaving?" My answer: "Birth control."

During a conference, I was pleasantly surprised to be seated next to a very handsome man. We flirted casually through dinner, then grew restless as the dignitaries gave speeches. During one particularly long-winded lecture, my new friend drew a # sign on a cocktail napkin. Elated, I wrote down my phone number. Looking startled for a moment, he drew another # sign, this time adding an X to the upper-left-hand corner.

1. Past Lives On a family vacation one summer, we crossed Wyoming and noted several historical points of interest. The children were especially interested because they enjoyed the computer game "Oregon Trail," which gives players a taste of the hardships the pioneers endured. We stopped at the famous South Pass to look at the wagon tracks still visible in the dirt. Squinting out over the desolate, wind-swept landscape, my daughter nodded and said grimly, "This is where my oxen always die." -- Quin Gilbert 2. Mr. Summertime We all grew up in a town on the New Jersey shore and spent our summers at the beach, swimming, surfing, hanging out with friends. One of my friends loved the season so much, we began calling him Mr. Summertime. "What happens when summer is over?" someone asked. I thought for a minute, then said, "In September he becomes the Fall Guy." -- J. Cummings 3. Wishful Thinking My two-year-old cousin scared us one summer by disappearing during our lakeside vacation. More than a dozen relatives searched the forest and shoreline, and everyone was relieved when we found Matthew playing calmly in the woods. "Listen to me, Matthew," his mother said sharply. "From now on when you want to go someplace, you tell Mommy first, okay?" Matthew thought about that for a moment and said, "Okay. Disney World." -- Leah Hallenbeck 4. Moving Forward The summer after college graduation, I was living at home, fishing in the daytime, spending nights with my friends—generally just hanging out. One afternoon my grandfather, who never went to college, stopped by. Concerned with how I was spending my time, he asked about my future plans. I told him I was in no hurry to tie myself down to a career. "Well," he replied, "you better start thinking about it. You'll be thirty before you know it." "But I'm closer to twenty than to thirty," I protested. "I won't be thirty for eight more years." "I see," he said, smiling. "And when will you be twenty again?" -- Marshall K. Essig 5. Sounding Off I was with a friend in a café when a noisy car alarm interrupted our conversation. "What good are car alarms when no one pays any attention to them?" I wondered aloud. "Some are quite effective," my friend corrected me. "Last summer, my teenager spent a lot of time at the neighbors'. Whenever I wanted him home, I'd go out to our driveway and jostle his car." -- Sheila Moore 6. A Perfect Fit For her summer job, my 18-year-old daughter arranged interviews at several day-care centers. At one meeting, she sat down on one of the kiddie seats, no simple task for most people. The interview went well, and at the end, the day-care center director asked the standard question, "Can you give me one good reason we should hire you?" "Because I fit in the chairs." She got the job. -- Judith L. McKay 7. Tag Sale Special I was getting ready for a tag sale one summer day. Since it was so humid out, I decided to stay inside my air-conditioned house and mark the special stickers I had bought for the sale. Then I slapped them on my blouse, ran outside, stuck them on the appropriate items and rushed back inside. I did this until every item was labeled. Later that day a UPS man came by the house with a delivery. I noticed that as I was signing for the package, he seemed ill at ease. It was only after he left that I noticed there was one sticker still attached to the front of my blouse. It read "Make me an offer." -- Mary E. Koppelmann 8. Clowning Around Before heading on vacation, I went to a tanning salon. I was under the lights so long the protective eye shades I wore left a big white circle around each eye. Gazing at myself in the mirror the next day, I thought, "Man, I look like a clown." I had almost convinced myself I was overreacting -- until I was in line at the grocery store. I felt a tug at my shirt and looked down to see a toddler staring up at me, "Are you giving out balloons?" he asked. -- Nina Secviar, Hammond, Ind. 9. Hotter Cooler On a recent vacation at a resort with my in-laws, we planned to spend an afternoon at the pool with our kids. We wanted to bring our own drinks, but were unsure of the hotel's policy. My brother-in-law called the front desk, and assuming everyone was familiar with the brand of ice chest he had, asked if it was all right if he brought a Playmate to the pool. After a pause the clerk asked, "Does she have her own towel?" -- Tina M. Digiovanna 10. Forcast Vacationing in Vermont, I picked up the local paper to check out the forecast. It read: Today: Sunny, 76. Tonight: Not so sunny, 55. -- Norrine Trono 11. Beach Date Our first day at a resort my wife and I decided to hit the beach. When I went back to our room to get something to drink, one of the hotel maids was making our bed. I grabbed my cooler and was on my way out when I paused and asked, "Can we drink beer on the beach?" "Sure," she said, "but I have to finish the rest of the rooms first." -- Louis Allard 12. Familiar Faces Vacationing in Hawaii, two priests decide to wear casual clothes so they won't be identified as clergy. They buy Hawaiian shirts and sandals, and soon hit the beach. They notice a gorgeous blonde in a tiny bikini. "Good afternoon, Fathers," she says as she strolls by. The men are stunned. How does she know they're clergy? Later they buy even wilder attire: surfer shorts, tie-dyed T-shirts, and dark glasses. The next day, they return to the beach. The same fabulous blonde, now wearing a string bikini, passes by, nods politely at them, and says, "Good morning, Fathers." "Just a minute, young lady," says one of the priests. "We are priests and proud of it, but how in the world did you know?" "Don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Kathryn from the convent." -- Michael Rana 13. Noisy by Nature Some people just aren't happy unless they have something to complain about. I stayed in a beautiful hotel right on the beach in California -- an idyllic spot, you would think. But while I was waiting to check out, I heard the manager ask another guest, "Did you enjoy your stay?" "Not really," the man said grimly. "I'm sorry to hear that," the manager apologized. "What was the problem?" "The surf was too loud." -- Daniel Vargas 14. Something's Fishy While in the men's room at a beach park in Florida, I noticed they had a plastic baby-changing table installed on the wall. Apparently, some sportsmen had co-opted this politically correct amenity for their own use. Above the table was a sign saying: "It is unlawful to clean fish on this table." -- Cliff Revell 15. Out of Breath While editing announcements for a newspaper, I came across an item promoting a camp for children with asthma. Aside from all the wonderful activities the kids could enjoy, such as canoeing, swimming, crafts and more, it promised that its lakefront property offered something the kids probably did not expect: "breathtaking views." -- Christy Nichols 16. Young Man Visiting his parents' retirement village in Florida, my middle-aged friend, Tim, went for a swim in the community pool while his elderly father took a walk. Tim struck up a conversation with the only other person in the pool, a five-year-old boy. After a while, Tim's father returned from his walk and called out, "I'm ready to leave." Tim then turned to his new friend and announced that he had to leave because his father was calling. Astonished, the wide-eyed little boy cried, "You're a kid?" -- Janice Palko 17. Fast Swimmer I was talking on the phone with my son, who was stationed in Hawaii with the Air Force. He was explaining how the troops were learning to scuba-dive. They used the buddy system, he said, and occasionally dived into shark-infested waters. Listening on the extension, my daughter asked, "What do you do when you see a shark?" Said my son, "Swim faster than my buddy." -- Joan Nozkowski

A middle school in New Ipswich, New Hampshire, encourages freethinking. A sign outside the school reads, "You are unique—just like everyone else."

Driving along a country road, I ignored a Bridge Out sign and continued on. But in a few miles I came to a stop: The road was completely barricaded. So I turned around and retraced my route. That's when I saw this sign on the back of the first: "It was, wasn't it?"

I just got a GPS for my car, and my first trip with it was to a drugstore. Since the manual said not to leave it in the car unattended, I brought it with me into the store. While there, the GPS came alive, and a voice stated, "Lost satellite contact." I wasn't embarrassed until a woman turned to me and said, "Your ankle bracelet monitor is talking to you."

Two American tourists are driving through Wales. They decide to stop for a bite to eat in the village of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogo- gogoch.* Baffled by the name, one of them turns to a local and asks, "Would you please say where we are—very slowly?" The Welshman leans over and says, very slowly, "Burrr-gerrr Kinngg." *We kid you not! The 3,000 people in this community on the island of Anglesey must spend hours writing their return address.

Conversation at our business lunch turned to illegal immigration. "I read an article that said 60 percent of Americans are immigrants," commented one of my colleagues. "That can't be true," another said. "No," agreed a Native American co-worker. "There's a lot more of you than that."

I took a real estate client to a handyman special. The place was great, and we couldn't understand why it was so cheap, until we turned on the water main and water gushed from the ceiling. Dripping wet, my client put a positive spin on the showing: "Nice house," he said. "It's even self-cleaning."

Halfway between New York City and Washington, D.C., the train's engine fell silent. "I've got good news and bad news," the conductor announced. "The bad news is we lost power." My fellow passengers groaned. "The good news," he added, "is we weren't cruising at 30,000 feet."

Spending more time with family: Families are complicated enough, but things became even more confusing after my father decided to get married to my brother's mother-in-law. "Now I can't make up my mind whether he's my dad or my father-in- law," says my brother, "or if my mother-in-law is now my stepmother, or whether my child is my daughter or my niece." -- Oscar Reagan

Getting in shape: A friend of mine had resisted efforts to get him to run with our jogging group until his doctor told him he had to exercise. Soon thereafter, he reluctantly joined us for our 5:30 a.m. jogs on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. After a month of running, we decided that my friend might be hooked, especially when he said he had discovered what "runner's euphoria" was. "Runner's euphoria," he explained, "is what I feel at 5:30 on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays." -- Neil P. Budge Starting that diet: My friend Kimberly announced that she had started a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently. "Good!" I exclaimed. "I'm ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. When I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I'll call you first." "Great!" she replied. "I'll ride with you." -- Katina Fisher Quitting smoking: I discussed peer pressure and cigarettes with my 12-year-old daughter. Having struggled for years to quit, I described how I had started smoking to "be cool." As I outlined the arguments kids might make to tempt her to try it, she stopped me mid-lecture, saying, "Hey, I'll just tell them my mom smokes. How cool can it be?" -- Judi Moore Eating healthier: The teacher in our Bible class asked a woman to read from the Book of Numbers about the Israelites wandering in the desert. "The Lord heard you when you wailed, 'If only we had meat to eat!' " she began. "Now the Lord will give you meat. You will not eat it for just one day, or two days, or five, or ten or twenty days, but for a month—until you loathe it." When the woman finished, she paused, looked up, and said, "Hey, isn't that the Atkins diet?"  -- David Martino Reducing your debt: Neighbors of ours had a terrible disagreement over a patio they wanted for their backyard. The wife had rather grand ideas, while the husband wanted costs kept to a minimum. The wife won out, and the construction bill climbed higher and higher. I dropped by one day, when the patio was near completion, and was surprised to find the husband smiling from ear to ear as the workmen smoothed over the surface. I remarked how nice it was to see a grin replace the frown he had been wearing lately. “You see where they’re smoothing that cement?” he replied. “I just threw my wife’s credit cards in there.” -- R. Horn Learning new things: I was trying to decide what to do for a talent show I planned to enter. Trusting my mother to help me out, I asked, "For the show, what do you think I should do, sing or put on a comedy act?" Glancing up from her paper, she said dryly, "What's the difference?" -- Kimmie Helk Better teeth care: Just because one owns a business doesn't mean it has to be all business. This sign in a dentist's office proves that point: "Be True to Your Teeth, or They Will Be False to You." -- James Wertz

Becoming more organized: My friend’s husband is always telling her that housekeeping would be a snap if only she would organize her time better. Recently he had a chance to put his theory into practice while his wife was away.

When I popped in one evening to see how he was managing, he crowed, "I made a cake, frosted it, washed the kitchen windows, cleaned all the cupboards, scrubbed the kitchen floor, walls and ceiling and even had a bath." I was about to concede that perhaps he was a better manager than his wife, when he added sheepishly, "When I was making the chocolate frosting, I forgot to turn off the mixer before taking the beaters out of the bowl, so I had to do all the rest." -- Mary I. Costain Drinking less I was waiting tables in a noisy lobster restaurant in Maine when a vacationing Southerner stumped me with a drink order. I approached the bartender. "Have you ever heard of a drink called 'Seven Young Blondes'?" I asked. He admitted he'd never heard of it, and grabbed a drink guidebook to look it up. Unable to find the recipe, he then asked me to go back and tell the patron that he'd be happy to make the drink if he could list the ingredients for him. "Sir," I asked the customer, "can you tell me what's in that drink?" He looked at me like I was crazy. "It's wine," he said, pronouncing his words carefully, "Sauvignon blanc." -- Christie Eckels

Fresh from a visit to the dentist, I decided to stop at my bank. Barely able to enunciate, I told the teller, "I'm sorry about not speaking more clearly. I've had Novocaine." "You should have used the drive-through," she said. "Why?" "Everyone who goes through sounds like that," she explained.  

One Saturday night my boss and her family came to our house to play cards. As they were driving away at the end of the evening, I discovered that she had left her purse in a corner next to the dining-room hutch. I was about to call her house, intending to leave a message on the answering machine, when my son reminded me that they had a cell phone. As I dialed the number, I marveled at the technology that would alert them before they had driven all the way home. A few seconds later the purse began to ring.  

Even though my Ecuadoran son-in-law is fluent in English, he translates some figures of speech too literally. When I commented that he and my daughter are about the same age, but she looks much younger, he agreed. "Yeah," he said. "Some people think I stole the crib."

The year was 1943. Readers were sending in their hysterical true stories in droves, and the editors here had a revelation: "Great! Cheap labor!" And thus was born Life in These United States, the first of our humor departments, which was soon followed by All in a Day's Work and Humor in Uniform. One of the early stories: A wealthy New Yorker, "dressed in the Abercrombie & Fitch version of What a Man Should Wear in the Wilderness," walks up to a laconic Maine lobsterman. "I see you are using fish bait for lobsters. You think it's good, do you?" he asks. The lobsterman shakes his head. "No, I don't. But the lobsters do."

Since then, readers have sent us over 20 million true stories and jokes, about 100,000 of which we've published. And now we're bringing you the best of the best. Edited by Jill Krasny

Ill Defined
1. We were really confused. While transcribing medical audiotapes, a colleague came upon the following garbled diagnosis: "This man has pholenfrometry."
Knowing nothing about that particular condition, she double-checked with the doctor. After listening to the tape, he shook his head.
"This man," he said, translating for her, "has fallen from a tree."
--Patricia Longbottom

2. Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found an elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet-who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down, I asked if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
--Patsy R. Dancey

3. One crazy day in our pediatric clinic saw me hand a young patient a urine sample container and tell him to fill it up in the bathroom. A few minutes later, he returned to my nurse's station with an empty cup.
"I didn't need this after all," he said. "There was a toilet in there."
--Linda Feikle

4. I was already a nervous wreck about my upcoming surgery. It didn't help matters when the admitting nurse asked me, "Have you had a hysterectomy before?"
--Terry Wisener

Do the Right Thing
5. Watching a movie recently, I couldn't hear the dialogue over the chatter of the two women in front of me. Unable to bear it any longer, I tapped one of them on the shoulder. "Excuse me," I said. "I can't hear."
"I should hope not," she answered. "This is a private conversation."
--David Carver

6. My husband decided to install a light switch in our master bedroom. Cutting into the wall, he discovered a stash of bottles and boxes.
"Honey!" he called excitedly. "Come see what I found!"
I ran in and quickly realized that his next task would be to fix the hole he had made in the back of our medicine cabinet.
--Nola Pirart

Wedded Blitz
7. The minute I walked into the post office, the postmaster noticed the new earrings my husband had given me.
"Those must be real diamonds," she said.
"Yes," I said. "How could you tell?"
"Because," she said, "no one buys fake diamonds that small."
--Deborah Caudell

8. When a woman in my office recently became engaged, a colleague offered her some advice. "The first ten years are the hardest," she said.
"How long have you been married?" I asked.
"Ten years," she replied.
--Tonya Winter

9. "What is that sound?" a woman visiting our nature center asked.
"It's the frogs trilling for a mate," Patti, the naturalist, explained. "We have a pair in the science room. But they've been together for so long, they no longer sing to each other."
The woman nodded sympathetically. "The trill is gone."
--KathyJo Townson

1940s "Once in Virginia," said a speaker who had received an introduction that promised more than he felt he could deliver, "I passed a small church displaying a large sign. It read 'Annual Strawberry Festival' and, below in small letters, 'On account of the Depression, prunes will be served.'" --Boston Transcript 1950s The best advice I ever received came to me from my ensign when I was a Wave at boot camp. She told me, "To stay out of trouble, say 'Yes, sir' all day and 'No, sir' all night." --Anonymous 1960s A friend and I were hitchhiking, but no one would stop. "Maybe it's our long hair," I joked. With that, my friend scrawled on a piece of cardboard: "Going to the barber's." Within seconds we had our ride. --Raymond Butkus 1970s A male friend of mine, an engineer at an aircraft company, works for a woman supervisor. An active member of women's lib groups, she often shows up at work wearing buttons featuring feminist slogans. One day, her latest button, "Adam was a rough draft," proved too much for my friend. The next day, he showed up at work sporting his own button: "Eve was no prime rib." --Phyllis Reely 1980s While I was shopping in a pharmacy, a couple of teenagers came in. They were dressed in leather, chains, and safety pins. The boy had blue and purple spiked hair and the girl's hair was bright yellow. Suddenly the boy picked up a pair of sunglasses and tried them on. "What do you think?" he asked his girlfriend. "Take them off!" she howled. "They make you look ridiculous." --Audrey Kelly 1990s My brother Jim was hired by a government agency and assigned to a small office cubicle in a large area. At the end of his first day, he realized he had no idea how to get out. He wandered around, lost in the maze of cubicles and corridors. Just as panic began to set in, he came upon another employee in a cubicle. "How do you get out of here?" Jim asked. The fellow smiled and said, "No cheese for you." --Christine Probasco 2000s I am five feet three inches tall and pleasingly plump. After I had a minor accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room. The triage nurse asked for my height and weight, and I blurted out, "Five-foot-eight and 125 pounds." "Sweetheart," my mother gently chided, "this is not the Internet." --M.M.

An aching back sent me stumbling to the drugstore for relief. After a search I found what I was looking for: a selection of heating pads specifically for people with back pain—all on the bottom shelf.

My wife and I were having lunch at a fashionable eatery in Annapolis when we noticed what looked like a familiar face at the next table. Screwing up my courage, I asked, "Excuse me. Aren't you Marlin Fitzwater, the former White House press secretary?" "Yes, I am," he acknowledged, and graciously interrupted his lunch to talk to us. As we were leaving the restaurant, I remarked to the hostess, "Do you know you have Marlin Fitzwater on the terrace?" "I'm not sure about that," she replied, "but we have Perrier and Evian at the bar."

A friend of ours was puzzled with the odd messages left on his answering machine. Day after day friends and family would talk and then say, "Beep." He discovered the reason for the joke when he decided to listen to his greeting. "Hi," it said. "I'm not in right now, so please leave a beep after the message."

My friend John and I, determined to see the world, signed on a Norwegian freighter as deckhands. We were being trained as helmsmen, and John's first lesson was given by the mate, a seasoned but gentle white-haired seafarer. John was holding the heading he had been given, when the mate ordered, "Come starboard." Pleased at knowing immediately which way starboard was, John left the helm and walked over to his instructor. The mate had an incredulous look on his face as the helm swung freely, but he merely asked politely, "Could you bring the ship with you?"

While rummaging through her attic, my friend Kathryn found an old shotgun. Unsure about how to dispose of it, she called her parents. "Take it to the police station," her mother suggested. My friend was about to hang up when her mother added, "And Kathryn?" "Yes, Mom?" "Call first."  

During a beautiful spring afternoon, I was attending the Cheat River Festival in West Virginia. Just as I stopped to listen to a folk singer, a group of exhibitors, dragging out tools and sawhorses, began setting up their display booth nearby. All their shouting and hammering made it difficult to enjoy the music. The noise they made got louder and even more obnoxious and intrusive as time went on. Finally, to everyone's relief, they completed the construction. As a finishing touch, they hung a sign on their booth. It read "Silent Auction."  

On vacation in Hawaii, my step- mom, Sandy, called a café to make reservations for 7 p.m. Checking her book, the cheery young hostess said, "I'm sorry, all we have is 6:45. Would you like that?"

"That's fine," Sandy said.

"Okay," the woman confirmed. Then she added, "Just be advised you may have to wait 15 minutes for your table."

 

 

My father is a skilled CPA who is not great at self-promotion. So when an advertising salesman offered to put my father's business placard in the shopping carts of a supermarket, my dad jumped at the chance. Fully a year went by before we got a call that could be traced to those placards. "Richard Larson, CPA?" the caller asked. "That's right," my father answered. "May I help you?" "Yes," the voice said. "One of your shopping carts is in my yard and I want you to come and get it."  

A friend of mine was enjoying his new car's powerful sound system by driving along with the volume way up. At a traffic light, he heard someone shout, "Hey, do you mind?"

Stopped next to him was a young man in an open convertible. He pointed to an object in his hand and said, "Can't you see I'm on the phone?"

 

My husband, Daniel, had been promoted to a newly created position. He was eager to find out what his official title was, so when his business cards finally arrived, I was surprised that he seemed reluctant to show me. After some persuasion, Daniel gave me a card, naming him director of product efficiency. "Wow," I responded, "that sounds impressive." "Not really," Daniel replied as he removed my thumb from the acronym underneath. It read DOPE.    

Stuck in rush-hour traffic, I couldn't help but stare when a burly biker wearing black leather jacket and chaps pulled up next to me on a shocking pink Harley Davidson. My first thoughts were, "Is that really a pink Harley? I wonder if he's…" Just then the traffic cleared and he pulled in front of me. On the back of his helmet were stenciled the words "Yes it is. No I'm not."

While waiting in line at the Department of Vehicle Services for my new license plate, I heard the clerk shout out, "E I E I O." "Here," the woman standing next to me answered. Curious, I asked if she was married to a farmer, or maybe taught preschool. "Neither," she replied. "My name is McDonald."

Working as a telemarketer for MCI Communications, I made a call to a Minnesota home one evening. When a boy around eight answered the phone, I identified myself, told him I was calling for MCI and asked to speak to his parents. As he put the phone down, I heard him yell, "Dad! Dad! The FBI wants to talk to you!" As soon as the father answered the phone in a quivering voice, I said, "Sir, this is not the FBI; this is MCI Communications." After a long pause, the man said, "This is the first time I am actually glad to hear from you guys."  

Sitting in the first row of coach class during a lengthy flight, my wife and I were able to hear a flight attendant as he pushed a wine cart down the aisle in the first-class section. "Would you care for chardonnay or burgundy?" he asked the high-paying passengers. A few minutes later the attendant opened the curtain between the two sections, offered wine to one final first-class patron, then wheeled the same cart forward to our aisle. "Excuse me," he said, looking down at us, "would you care for a glass of wine? We have white and red."  

In honor of Memorial Day, the teacher I worked with read the Constitution to her third-grade class. After reading "We the people," she paused to ask the children what they thought that meant. One boy raised his hand and asked, "Is that like 'We da bomb?' "    

There were only two people in line ahead of me at the electronics store, yet the wait was dragging on forever. Finally the customer behind me muttered, "Mr. Hare must be on vacation." Only then did I notice the name tag on the man at the register. It read: "Mr. Turtle, sales associate."  

When our air conditioner broke down, we called for a serviceman to come and take a look at it. It turned out to be a high school classmate of my husband's named Love. He said next time we needed any repairs to ask for him. The next year when we needed service again, we requested Mr. Love. I took the day off from work and waited for him to arrive. After he had worked on our air conditioner, he left his work order behind. It had my name and said: "Wants Love in afternoon."  

As a freelance secretary, I type story manuscripts. When an author pays me, I print the name of the story across the top of his check. Once when I took a check to the bank, the teller suddenly froze. Only after I had explained my procedure to a bank officer did the reason for the teller's reaction become clear. The story was called "Your Money or Your Life," and that, of course, was what I had written in bold letters across the top of the check.  

Driving across the country, my husband and I were admiring one beautiful old Southern town while stopped at a red light. We sat there taking in the elegant storefronts, the beautiful trees and other sights, not noticing that the light had turned green and back to red again. It was then that a police officer walked up to the car and tapped on my husband's window. "That's all the colors we got here," he drawled.

When I was a rookie police officer, I was flustered by citizens who got upset if I gave them a traffic ticket. They would accuse me of trying to complete my quota for the month. Then a veteran officer gave me some useful advice. The next motorist I stopped sarcastically commented, "I guess this will help you reach your quota." I smiled and, repeating my mentor's words, replied, "No, sir, they took our quota away. Now we can write as many as we want."

When Fred Phillips, retired public-safety director and police chief of Johnson City, Tennessee, was a regular police officer, he and his partner pulled over an unlicensed motorist. They asked the man to follow them to the police station, but while en route they spotted a North Carolina vehicle whose license plate and driver matched the description in an all-points bulletin. The officers took off in a high-speed chase and finally stopped the wanted man's car. Minutes later, as the felon was being arrested, the unlicensed motorist drove up. "If y'all will just tell me how to get to the station, I'll wait for you there," he said. "I'm having a heck of a time keeping up with you."

I had just pulled over someone for driving under the influence when another car pulled up behind us. I stopped what I was doing and ventured back to see if the driver needed assistance. "No, I don't need any help," he said, reeking of booze. Then, pointing to the flashing cherry top on the roof of my cruiser, he continued, "I just stopped for the red light."

As a single, never-married woman in my 40s, I have been questioned endlessly about my status by friends, relatives and co-workers. Over the years I've noticed a subtle change in the nature of their inquiries. In my teens, friends would ask, "Who are you going out with this weekend?" In my 20s, relatives would say, "Who are you dating?" In my 30s, co-workers might inquire, "So, are you dating anyone?" Now people ask, "Where did you get that adorable purse?"

My husband bought an exercise machine to help him shed a few pounds. He set it up in the basement but didn't use it much, so he moved it to the bedroom. It gathered dust there, too, so he put it in the living room. Weeks later I asked how it was going. "I was right," he said. "I do get more exercise now. Every time I close the drapes, I have to walk around the machine."

One rainy morning, my mother went for her daily run. As she returned to the house, she slipped and fell, hitting her head on the driveway. I called the paramedics. When they arrived, they asked my mom some questions to determine her coherency. "What is today?" inquired one man. Without hesitation, Mom replied, "Trash day."

I spent an afternoon helping my boyfriend move into a new home. In one carton I found a crockpot, with an odd-looking and very dirty metal lid. Later I ushered my boyfriend into the kitchen and asked why he hadn't mentioned this perfectly good pot. He stared at it, then replied, "Well, after I broke the lid I never thought of replacing it with a hubcap."    

About two o’clock one summer morning, my friend and her husband, who likes to sleep in his birthday suit, were awakened by a thunderstorm. They both dashed from the bed and began shutting windows. When her husband got downstairs, he realized the umbrella on the patio table had been left open and gusts of wind were causing the table to teeter precariously near the glass doors. He figured it would take only a moment to run out and take the umbrella down, so he did not waste time fetching a robe. Once on the patio, however, he found the wind was stronger than he expected. Before he could close the umbrella, the wind lifted the shaft from the table and pulled it and him out into the yard. As he grappled with the umbrella, several flashes of lightning lit up the yard like a Broadway stage. Finally, he accomplished his mission and went back into the house, much to the relief of his wife, who had witnessed the entire episode. They had no sooner settled in bed than the phone rang. It was their neighbor, who said, “We just wanted to let Mary Poppins know how much we enjoyed the show.”

Although I knew I had put on a few pounds, I didn't consider myself overweight until the day I decided to clean my refrigerator. I sat on a chair in front of the appliance and reached in to wipe the back wall. While I was in this position, my teenage son came into the kitchen. "Hi, Mom," he said. "Whatcha doin', having lunch?" I started my diet that day.  

My wife and her friend Karen were talking about their labor-saving devices as they pulled into our driveway. Karen said, "I love my new garage-door opener." "I love mine too," my wife replied, and honked the horn three times. That was the signal for me to come out and open the garage.

My sister decided to go on a diet, and that first evening she phoned me. I could tell her mouth was full, so I asked her what she was eating. "A cupcake," she mumbled. "I just got on the scale, and it read 149 1/2 pounds. I decided that was no place to start a diet, so I'm rounding it off to 150."

A client of our optometry business was jubilant after I replaced the scratched, dirty lenses in his eyeglasses with new ones. "This is great!" he said. "I just gained two hours of daylight."

My father’s secretary was visibly distraught one morning when she arrived at the office and explained that her children’s parrot had escaped from his cage and flown out an open window. Of all the dangers the tame bird would face outdoors alone, she seemed most concerned about what would happen if the bird started talking. Confused, my father asked what the parrot could say. “Well,” she explained, “he mostly says, ‘Here, kitty, kitty.’ ”

Living in a household with eight indoor cats requires buying large amounts of kitty litter, which I usually get in 25-pound bags—100 pounds at a time. When I was going to be out of town for a week, I decided to go to the supermarket to stock up. As my husband and I both pushed shopping carts, each loaded with five large bags of litter, a man looked at our purchases and queried, “Bengal or Siberian?”

My boyfriend and I were taking his 19-year-old niece to a weekend festival. When we arrived at her house to pick her up, she appeared in tasteful but very short shorts, and a tank top with spaghetti straps. A debate began immediately about appropriate dress. I took the girl's side, recalling that when we began dating, I dressed the same way. "Yes," said my boyfriend sternly, "and I said something about it, didn't I?" Everyone looked at me. "Yeah," I replied. "You said, 'What's your phone number?'"  

My flight was delayed in Houston. Since the gate was needed for another flight, our aircraft was backed away from the terminal, and we were directed to a new gate. We all found the new gate, only to discover a third gate had been designated for our plane. Finally, everyone got on board the right plane, and the flight attendant announced: "We apologize for the gate change. This flight is going to Washington, D.C. If your destination is not Washington, D.C., you should deplane at this time." A moment later a red-faced pilot emerged from the cockpit, carrying his bags. "Sorry," he said, "wrong plane."  

I was getting into my car when I noticed a dent. On the windshield was a note and a phone number from the driver. "I feel terrible," the woman apologized when I called. "I hit your car as I was pulling into the next parking spot." "Please, don't worry," I said to her. "I'm sure our insurance companies will take care of everything." "Thank you for your understanding," she said. "You're so much nicer than the man I hit on the way out."

New to the United States, I was eager to meet people. So one day I struck up a conversation with the only other woman in the gym. Pointing to two men playing racquetball in a nearby court, I said to her, "There’s my husband." Then I added, "The thin one—not the fat one." After a slightly uncomfortable silence she replied, "And that’s my husband—the fat one."  

I was in line at a restaurant. In front of me was a mother with her college-age son and his girlfriend. It was the middle of the dinner rush, and many customers were restless at the long wait, but the young couple, holding hands and kissing, were oblivious to everything around them. Although clearly not approving, the mother was silent, until one prolonged kiss when the young man had his face and hands buried in his girlfriend's long, curly locks. "Do you have to do that here?" the embarrassed mother asked. "I'm not doing anything, Mom," came her son's muffled voice. "My earring's caught in her hair."  

When I walked up to the ATM at my bank, I noticed someone had left his card in the slot. Since it was a Friday evening, I thought the Good Samaritan thing to do was try to find the card’s owner so he wouldn’t go the weekend without it. I looked up the person’s name in the phone book and gave him a call. "I found your ATM card," I told the man who answered. He then asked hopefully, "You didn’t happen to find my sunglasses too?"

While away on business, a colleague and I decided to catch a movie. As we approached the theater, we read the marquee. It bore the name of the feature film followed by the numbers '7,' '5,' and '9.' Assuming these were the show times, we were somewhat perplexed by their order. I went inside to ask about it. "Our next show is at eight o’clock," the woman in the box office announced. "Eight o’clock?" I said, surprised. "But the marquee says seven, five and nine." "Right," she agreed. "That’s 7:59. We lost our number eight."

When my friend got a job, her husband agreed to share the housework. He was stunned by the amount of effort involved in keeping a house clean with small boys to pick up after, and insisted that he and his wife shop for a new vacuum cleaner. The salesman gave them a demonstration of the latest model. "It comes equipped with all the newest features," he assured them. The husband was not convinced. "Don't you have a riding one?" he asked

My husband, who is an auto mechanic, received a repair order that read: "Check for clunking noise when going around corners." Taking the car out for a test drive, he made a right turn, and a moment later heard a clunk. He then made a left turn and again heard a clunk. Back at the shop, he opened the trunk and soon discovered the problem. Promptly he returned the repair order to the service manager with this notation: "Remove bowling ball from trunk."

A couple of hours into a visit with my mother she noticed I hadn’t lit up a cigarette once. "Are you trying to kick the habit?" "No," I replied, "I’ve got a cold and I don’t smoke when I’m not feeling well." "You know," she observed, "you’d probably live longer if you were sick more often."

When the skipper of an Icelandic trawler accidentally rammed Englishman Jim Hughes's yacht, he caused $30,000 worth of damage. Exactly a year and a day before, reported the London Times, the skipper, Eriker Olafsson, had hit the same boat, causing $40,000 in damage. What are the odds of this happening twice? Pretty good, since Olafsson purposely steered toward Hughes to apologize for the previous year's collision.

Which windshield wiper blade always quits first? That's right—the driver's side. This happened to me one day while driving home in the middle of a blinding storm. Unable to see, I pulled over and tried to figure out a quick fix. I found it in a yellow cotton work glove that was lying on the floor. I wedged the cloth hand under the wiper arm. It did a great job keeping my windshield clear. Not only that— you'd be surprised at how many people waved back.  

We purchased an old home in northern New York State from two elderly sisters. Winter was fast approaching, and I was concerned about the house's lack of insulation. "If they could live here all those years, so can we!" my husband confidently declared. One November night the temperature plunged to below zero, and we woke up to find interior walls covered with frost. My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm. After a brief conversation, he hung up. "For the past 30 years," he muttered, "they've gone to Florida for the winter."

Bad weather meant I was stuck overnight at O'Hare airport in Chicago. Along with hotel accommodations, the airline issued each passenger a $10 meal ticket, or "chit." That evening after dinner I presented my meal ticket to the cashier. "Is this chit worth $10?" I asked. Looking up nervously, the cashier responded, "I'm sorry, sir. Was the meal that bad?"