Funny Quotes

If I’m on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If God wants to play through, let him. Bob Hope

Why does moisture destroy leather? When it’s raining, cows don’t go up to the farmhouse yelling, “Let us in! We’re all wearing leather! We’re going to ruin the whole outfit here!” Jerry Seinfeld

"There must be a mistake: you've accidentally given me the food my food eats." —Ron Swanson, when given a plate of vegetables Parks and Recreation

Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. Comedian Demetri Martin

I don’t want to say we eat out 
a lot, but I’ve noticed that lately when I call my kids for dinner, they run to the car. —Julie Kidd

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? —George Carlin

I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time,” so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance. —Steven Wright

The key to eating healthy is 
not eating any food that has a TV commercial. —Comedian Mike Birbiglia

How classical maestros also used their batons to stab each other in the back: •“If he had been making shell 
casings during the war, it might 
have made for better music.” Camille Saint-Saëns, on Maurice Ravel •“Wagner has beautiful moments but awful quarters of an hour.” Gioachino Rossini, on Richard Wagner •“I liked the opera very much. 
Everything but the music.” Benjamin Britten, on Igor Stravinsky —Source: classicfm.com

What does it mean if a black squirrel crosses your path? Will I have adorably bad luck? —@Suddain

If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association. —Mitch Hedberg

Find a penny, pick it up, all day long you’ll have nothing but a gross penny you found in some filthy parking lot. —@JennyJohnsonHi5

Today is Thursday the 13th, which means it’s bad luck to deal with Australians. —@KeatingThomas

For every set of horseshoes human beings use for luck, somewhere in this world there’s a barefoot horse. —Allan Sherman

Research has found that because it makes you think positive thoughts, throwing salt over your shoulder can actually prevent bad luck. Or at least give you better luck than the guy behind you. —Jimmy Fallon

Where are all the Sour Patch parents? —Comedian Bo Burnham

As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns, I knew the end was in sight. Adam Joshua Smargon, Newark, Delaware

It would be kinda embarrassing trying to explain what an appetizer is to someone from a starving country. “Yeah, the appetizer. That’s the food we eat before we have our food … No, no, you’re thinking of dessert. That’s food we eat after we have our food.” Jim Gaffigan

I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together; It was riveting. —Stewart Francis

When I was a child my father attacked me with cameras; I still have flashbacks. —Stewart Francis

Anyone who thinks women talk too much has never sat through a six-hour Super Bowl pregame show. —Nora Barry

Anyone who’s just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do jazz hands. —Craig Ferguson

There are only two types of computers in the world: those that waste your precious time and those that waste your precious time faster. —anonymous

I’d like the window that says “Are you sure you want to do this? OK/Cancel” to pop up less often on my computer and more in my real life. —@AaronFullerton

User: the word computer professionals use when they mean “idiot.” —Dave Barry

“One can play at this game ...” —me to my computer solitaire. —@meganamram

My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard and earned an online college degree. —@SCbchbum

Taking pictures with an iPad is the new fanny pack. —@ClarkeKant

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing. —Emo Philips

Comedian Daniel Tosh is no fan 
of the expression “The worst day 
of fishing is better than the 
best day at work.” “I’ve watched The Deadliest 
Catch on Discovery,” 
he said. “I’ve never once 
been at work, capsized in 
40-degree water, watched all my coworkers die, and been like, ‘Hey, at least we’re fishin’.’”

It’s important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words antidote and anecdote, one of my good friends would still be living. —Comedian John McDowell

"The New York City Department of Education says that only 26 percent of the city’s students in grades three through eight passed the English portion on a recent standardized test. But on the bright side, they’re too bad at math to realize how bad that is." —Jimmy Fallon

If men have a smell, it's usually an accident. —Jeff Foxworthy

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it. —George Carlin

It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. —Woody Allen

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it. —Steven Wright

If you stop eating doughnuts you will live three years longer, but it's just three more years that you'll want a doughnut. —Lewis Black

If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it. —Stephen Colbert

If God wanted us to fly, he would have given us tickets. —Mel Brooks

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. —Mitch Hedberg

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything. —Steven Wright

I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks, and babies aren’t liars like you and me. —Rob Delaney

I think I am, therefore, I am. I think. —George Carlin

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait." —Mitch Hedberg

I never use a napkin on my lap at a restaurant … because I believe in myself. —Hannibal Buress

I never forget a face—but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception. —Groucho Marx

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. —Fred Allen

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long. —Mitch Hedberg

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. —Steven Wright

Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like "Psychic Wins Lottery"? —Jay Leno

A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking. —Jerry Seinfeld

Give me golf clubs, fresh air, and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. —Jack Benny

Equations are the devil's sentences. —Stephen Colbert

At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted? —Zach Galifianakis

Anyone who's just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do Jazz hands. —Craig Ferguson

A kiss is like a fight, with mouths. —Kristen Schaal

A feminist jumps out of a manhole … oh, and she didn't like that. —Bill Bailey

Hell hath no fury like a woman who has accidentally napped. —Lena Dunham

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also 
go in mid-December. — Louis C.K.

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day, you're off it. —Jackie Gleason

The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window." "What will that do?" asks the patient. The doctor says, "I'm mad at my neighbor!" —Jack Benny

Some sad news from Australia … the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today. —Johnny Carson

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made. —Joan Rivers

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. —Groucho Marx

If you want to look young and thin, hang around old, fat people. —Jim Eason

Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings ... and lawyers. —Richard Pryor

You can measure distance by time. "How far away is it?" "Oh, about 20 minutes." But it doesn't work the other way. "When do you get off work?" "Around three miles." —Jerry Seinfeld

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do. —Johnny Carson

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping. —Rita Rudner

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous—everyone hasn't met me yet. —Rodney Dangerfield