Dad’s pager beeped, summoning him to the hospital, where he is an anesthetist. As he raced toward the hospital, a patrol car sped up behind him—lights flashing, siren blaring. So...
Doctor Jokes
Get a good laugh in with these doctor jokes and funny nurse jokes that will brighten up your visit.
The house call is here! Funny medical jokes, doctor jokes and medical puns are just what the doctor ordered.
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Early Arrival
While on duty as a nurse in the obstetrics department at the hospital, I was checking a young mother-to-be. "Is this your first baby?" I asked her. "Yes," she answered...
Reeled In
A friend of mine was working as a nurse in a West Australian coastal town when a tourist came into the medical center with a fishhook lodged deep in his...
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End of the Glory Days
After the birth of our second child, my husband volunteered to undergo a vasectomy. The morning of his appointment, I could tell he was nervous. Then, as he was about...
Same Patient
After I warned the nurse taking blood that it would be very hard to find a vein on me, she said, "Don’t worry. We’ve seen worse. Last year we had...
Following the Routine
Customer-service reps repeat the same tired phrases so often that we can do the job in our sleep. We hear a beep telling us a customer’s on the line, and...
Season's Greetings
On the Friday before Christmas, a group of tuberculosis patients at the VA hospital in Springfield, Missouri, were filing past the fluoroscope for a checkup and the atmosphere was none...
Food Over Fitness
During my uncle’s physical exam, his doctor mentioned that he was slightly overweight. “Do you get any exercise?” the physician asked. “Well, I used to have an exercise bike in...
Seeing the Light
A client of our optometry business was jubilant after I replaced the scratched, dirty lenses in his eyeglasses with new ones. “This is great!” he said. “I just gained two...
Already Gone
Since maternity patients at the small hospital where I work must travel 50 miles to another hospital for the actual delivery, they often check with us first to verify that...
Genius
As a dental hygienist, I had a family come in one day for cleanings. By the time I was ready for the father, he informed me I had a lot...
Sharp Objects
Employed as a dental receptionist, I was on duty when an extremely nervous patient came for root-canal surgery. He was brought into the examining room and made comfortable in the...
Already Pregnant
To confirm her suspicions, my sister needed to purchase a pregnancy test. Since I was going to the pharmacy, she asked me to pick one up. I didn’t stop to...
Good Doctor
Suffering with a herniated disk in his back, my husband told his cousin that a well-respected doctor was treating him. His cousin asked the name of the doctor, and on...
Switching Spots
Throughout her pregnancy, my sister Joanne insisted that she wanted no medication during labor. When the big day came, though, she wondered if she had made the right decision. Knowing...
Astrology
When one of my patients came to me complaining of ear trouble, I looked around for the appropriate instrument with which to examine him. Unable to find it, I buzzed...
Holiday Contest
The contest was simple: Which department in the hospital where I worked as a nurse could create the best Christmas decorations? While they didn’t win first prize, the members of...
Switching Views
While walking through a Dallas airport, my dentist ran into a group of folks from his hometown. Among them was one of his patients. When he said hello, she gave...
Big Boy
When my wife was about to have our first baby, we brought a tape recorder to the delivery ward to capture the sounds of the birth, the baby’s first cry...
Hunting Season
A group of Alaskan housewives had gotten together for morning coffee and, since several of us were pregnant, the talk drifted to babies and doctors. One of the women announced...
Test Case
I was waiting in the office of our lone, overworked doctor when a local repairman, father of seven children, dashed in looking worried and distraught. To the nurse he explained,...
Breathing Techniques
One afternoon in the hospital operating room where I am a nurse, I heard one of our nurse anesthetists trying to put a patient to sleep. "Now I want you...
Labor Words
Seen on a car parked outside a gynecologist’s office:
“PUUUSH.”
“PUUUSH.”
Unattractive
We brought our newborn son, Adam, to the pediatrician for his first checkup. As he finished, the doctor told us, "You have a cute baby." Smiling, I said, "I bet...
Button Pain
Following a major hurricane, my husband worked long hours clearing the jumble of trees that littered our property. The longer he worked, however, the more painful it became for him...
Labor Work
Carol was pregnant with her first child, and her husband was about to leave on a two-week business trip. When Carol went to her doctor appointment, she had some questions....
Unnamed
When I was on duty in the maternity ward, one of my patients was a woman who was having her first child. Because of her medical situation, she had to...
Checking Up
As an attorney in a major New Mexico law firm, I have many colleagues who work long hours. However, the reputation of one of my partners’ workaholic ways even extended...
Money Talk
During the year that my husband, Bob, was undergoing expensive dental reconstruction, he got to know everyone in the dentist’s office. When a couple of staffers teased him about his...
Unprofessional
A friend living in an isolated Montana mining town suspected that she wasn’t getting the best dental care. Her first trip to a competent dentist in Butte confirmed her suspicions....
Clumsy Dancer
While dancing at a party, I tripped and stubbed my toe. Days later, my toe swollen and purple, I went to see a podiatrist. I told him how I hurt...
New Behind
Last New Year’s Eve found me in the hospital scheduled for an operation to remove hemorrhoids. So while others donned party hats and sipped champagne, I wore a hospital gown...
Video Game Lessons
While attending a laser seminar for obstetric and gynecologic surgeons, I found a booth where the doctors were encouraged to practice their laser skills on animal tissues. One young intern...
Constant Congestion
A customer walked into my pharmacy asking for a particular nasal spray. "You know, that brand is very addicting," I warned her. "If it’s used for a prolonged period of...
Not Accepted
It had been a long time—seven years to be exact—since my friend Brian had been to see his doctor. So the nurse told him that if he wanted to make...
Waiting Room Call
When an increased patient load began to overwhelm our hospital’s emergency room, we initiated a triage system to ensure that the most critical people were treated first. However, some of...
Deadly Response
The voice-dictation program a physician friend of mine purchased for his computer often misinterpreted words. Once, my friend dictated, "Recommend CAT scan if symptoms persist." The program typed out, "Recommend...
Part of the Audience
I’m never very comfortable with any kind of physical test or procedure, but when I was referred to a doctor for a breast exam, I agreed to see him. I...
Doctor Says So
My friend Esther told me about her son’s fifth-grade career day, where the children were asked, "Who knows what a psychiatrist does?" Esther’s son replied, "That’s someone who asks you...
Pretend Doctor
For several years, my job was to answer all viewer phone calls and mail concerning the daytime television soap operas our company produced. One day a woman called wanting medical...
Yummy Giveaway
I was in a department store when I heard on the public-address system that the optical department was offering free ice cream. I headed down the escalator to take advantage...
Doctor's Advice
Resting in the hospital after the birth of our third child, I thought I would finally get a chance to finish reading Boris Pasternak’s famous novel, Doctor Zhivago, and had...
Reaching Back
During a visit with my mother, who was in the hospital, I popped into the cafeteria for breakfast. I set a piece of bread on the moving toaster rack and...
Party Animal
I was having some chest pains, but my cardiologist assured me nothing was wrong. Then I told him I was planning a cruise to Alaska and asked if he had...
Weight Guessing
Our Lamaze class included a tour of the pediatric wing at the hospital. When a new baby was brought into the nursery, all the women tried to guess its weight,...
Aging Recovery
I was hospitalized with an awful sinus infection that caused the entire left side of my face to swell. On the third day, the nurse led me to believe that...
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The Other Woman
Doctors are used to getting calls at any hour. One night a man phoned, waking me up. "I’m sorry to bother you so late," he said, "but I think my...
Wrong Patient
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a...
A Holy Misunderstanding
A Catholic priest I once knew went to the hospital to visit patients. Stopping at the nurses station, he carefully looked over the patient roster and jotted down the room...
Assembly Line
Students in the adult French class I teach include quite a few health-care professionals. During one class, I was coughing so badly a doctor in the class raised her hand....
Chicken Scratch
Ever wonder what medical personnel scribble on those clipboards attached to the foot of the bed? Here are some incredible comments taken from hospital charts: "The patient refused autopsy." "The...
Doctor's Order
It was an unusually hectic evening at the emergency clinic where I work. The doctor on duty was simultaneously bombarded with questions, given forms to sign, and even asked for...
Larger Than Life
As an obstetrician, I sometimes see unusual tattoos when working in labor and delivery. One patient had some type of fish tattoo on her abdomen. "That sure is a pretty...
Like Father Like Son
I was on duty as an emergency-room technician when a father brought in his son, who had poked a tire from one of his toy trucks up his nose. The...
Numbing
At the busy dental office where I work, one patient was always late. Once when I called to confirm an appointment, he said, “I’ll be about 15 minutes late. That...
Nut Case
Unfortunately, we humans don’t come equipped with delete buttons for our mouths. My friend and his rock band were playing a concert at the psychiatric hospital where he worked as...
Protection
Each new patient at the clinic where I work must fill out a questionnaire asking basic health and personal-history questions. One query that inevitably gets a "No" answer is, "Do...
Scared Situation
I hate the idea of going under the knife. So I was very upset when the doctor told me I needed a tonsillectomy. Later, the nurse and I were filling...
Sedated
I am an oral surgeon, and once I was scheduled to extract four wisdom teeth from Jim, a high-school football player, who had opted to be sedated for the procedure....
The Higher the Better
Sign above the scale in a Mission Hills, Calif., doctor's office:
"Pretend it's your I.Q."
"Pretend it's your I.Q."
Too Much Information
My wife was in her gynecologist’s busy waiting room when a cell phone rang. A woman answered it, and for the next few minutes, she explained to her caller in...
