Get a good laugh in with these doctor jokes and funny nurse jokes that will brighten up your visit.
The house call is here! Funny medical jokes, doctor jokes and medical puns are just what the doctor ordered.
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Our doctor’s office called to let my husband know that the results from his blood tests came back and he was just fine. That didn’t suit my husband.
“What’s my cholesterol level?” he asked.
“Mr. Crocker, you are just fine,” insisted the nurse.
“Still, I’d like you to mail me the results.”
A few days later, he received a postcard from the doctor’s office. It read, “Mr. Crocker, you are just fine!”
My paramedic team was called to an emergency. Before we took the patient to the hospital, I had a question for his wife. “Does your husband have any cardiac problems?” I asked.
“Yes,” she said with a note of concern. “His cardiologist just died.”
Harry went to his doctor on Thursday to review his test results. The Doctor told him I have good news and bad news.
"Good news is you have 48 hours to live," he said to Harry. "Bad news is I should have told you on Tuesday."
Imagine my surprise when I went to Tipler Army Medical Center for a heart bypass operation and discovered my surgeon's name was Dr. Eror.
"What a name for a doctor," I said, not sure whether to laugh or cry.
"Yeah," he agreed. "You can imagine the reaction I got when I was a major."
"Any history of heart trouble?" asked the first volunteer.
"None," said the patient.
Looking at the telltale scars of bypass surgery, the second volunteer wasn't so sure. "In that case," he said, "do you remember when the lion attacked you?"
The nurse was clearly concerned. "So," she asked, "how was the cat?"
She shook her head. "Oh, I don't know. I'm not good with math."
"Do you smoke?" asked a paramedic.
"No," John whispered. "I quit."
"That"s good. When did you quit?"
"Around 9:30 this morning."
"Why does he keep doing that?" she asked a colleague.
"Oh, he likes to call the shots around here."
"What does that mean?" I asked.
Looking concerned, the doctor explained, "Up."
The patient replies, "Give me the good news."
Dr. Smith says, "You're about to have a disease named after you."
"Has it got rubies and diamonds?" I asked coyly.
"No," he said. "But it costs just as much."
"No, that's the next sheet," she said. "This one says you still have to pay us."
"Oh, that's okay," says the doctor. "She's just having contractions."
"Okay, this is what I want you to do," says the doctor on the third visit. "Go home and take a hot bath. Then throw open all the windows and stand in the draft."
"I'll get pneumonia!" protests the patient.
"I know. That I can cure."
"How can you smoke when you, of all people, know the harm caused by cigarettes?" I asked.
He took another draw, exhaled, and replied through the smoke, "Because it gives me more motivation to find a cure."
When a rich businessman began to choke on a fish bone at a restaurant, a doctor seated at a nearby table sprang up, performed the Heimlich maneuver, and saved his life.
"Thank you, thank you!" said the businessman. "Please, I insist on paying you. Just name the fee."
"Okay," said the doctor. "How about half of what you'd have offered when the bone was still stuck in your throat?"
One crazy day in our pediatric clinic saw me hand a young patient a urine sample container and tell him to fill it up in the bathroom. A few minutes later, he returned to my nurses station with an empty cup.
"I didn't need this after all," he said. "There was a toilet in there."
Visiting the psych ward, a man asked how doctors decide to institutionalize a patient.
"Well," the director said, "we fill a bathtub, then offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient, and ask him to empty the tub."
"I get it," the visitor said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's the biggest."
"No," the director said. "A normal person would pull the plug."
As older brothers will, John took the upper hand. "You know," he said, "in my work, people come into my office, tell me their problems, take off all their clothes and then pay me for my advice."