Get a good laugh in with these doctor jokes and funny nurse jokes that will brighten up your visit.
The house call is here! Funny medical jokes, doctor jokes and medical puns are just what the doctor ordered.
On the Badge
The Nurse Has My Teeth
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Upside Down Reading
No Cause for Alarm
Do You Know What That Is?
You Are Just Fine
Our doctor’s office called to let my husband know that the results from his blood tests came back and he was just fine. That didn’t suit my husband.
“What’s my cholesterol level?” he asked.
“Mr. Crocker, you are just fine,” insisted the nurse.
“Still, I’d like you to mail me the results.”
A few days later, he received a postcard from the doctor’s office. It read, “Mr. Crocker, you are just fine!”
My paramedic team was called to an emergency. Before we took the patient to the hospital, I had a question for his wife. “Does your husband have any cardiac problems?” I asked.
“Yes,” she said with a note of concern. “His cardiologist just died.”
News too Late
Harry went to his doctor on Thursday to review his test results. The Doctor told him I have good news and bad news.
"Good news is you have 48 hours to live," he said to Harry. "Bad news is I should have told you on Tuesday."
Good News, Bad News
You’re Not Wrong…
No Bedside Manner
My Son’s #1 Concern
The Real Meaning of “An Apple A Day”…
Three Dumb ER Stories You’re Allowed To Laugh At
Why You Should Make Love Once A Year
A Risk For All Seasons
Good Riddance to Dumb Patients
My Daily Regimen
An I.Q. Too High To Buy
Colonoscopy Small Talk
PLEASE Don't Administer Orally
A Familiar Patient
The Camper's Second Opinion
I’m on The Eraser Diet!
The One About The Fishermen and The Angel
A Poor Ex-Spleen Nation
Overheard at Our Hospital
Poor word choice, Doc
A Second Opinion
The Cruelest Cut
What Doesn’t Kill Ya…
What's in a Name?
Imagine my surprise when I went to Tipler Army Medical Center for a heart bypass operation and discovered my surgeon's name was Dr. Eror.
"What a name for a doctor," I said, not sure whether to laugh or cry.
"Yeah," he agreed. "You can imagine the reaction I got when I was a major."
"Any history of heart trouble?" asked the first volunteer.
"None," said the patient.
Looking at the telltale scars of bypass surgery, the second volunteer wasn't so sure. "In that case," he said, "do you remember when the lion attacked you?"
Going to the Doctor
The nurse was clearly concerned. "So," she asked, "how was the cat?"
She shook her head. "Oh, I don't know. I'm not good with math."
Better Than One
"Do you smoke?" asked a paramedic.
"No," John whispered. "I quit."
"That"s good. When did you quit?"
"Around 9:30 this morning."
All in the Name
"Why does he keep doing that?" she asked a colleague.
"Oh, he likes to call the shots around here."
A Positive Outcome
"What does that mean?" I asked.
Looking concerned, the doctor explained, "Up."
The Good News
The patient replies, "Give me the good news."
Dr. Smith says, "You're about to have a disease named after you."
"Has it got rubies and diamonds?" I asked coyly.
"No," he said. "But it costs just as much."
Subject to Replacement
All Possible Outcomes
"No, that's the next sheet," she said. "This one says you still have to pay us."
"Oh, that's okay," says the doctor. "She's just having contractions."
Healing the Sick
"Okay, this is what I want you to do," says the doctor on the third visit. "Go home and take a hot bath. Then throw open all the windows and stand in the draft."
"I'll get pneumonia!" protests the patient.
"I know. That I can cure."
Finding the Cure
"How can you smoke when you, of all people, know the harm caused by cigarettes?" I asked.
He took another draw, exhaled, and replied through the smoke, "Because it gives me more motivation to find a cure."
Price of Life
When a rich businessman began to choke on a fish bone at a restaurant, a doctor seated at a nearby table sprang up, performed the Heimlich maneuver, and saved his life.
"Thank you, thank you!" said the businessman. "Please, I insist on paying you. Just name the fee."
"Okay," said the doctor. "How about half of what you'd have offered when the bone was still stuck in your throat?"
No Cup Needed
One crazy day in our pediatric clinic saw me hand a young patient a urine sample container and tell him to fill it up in the bathroom. A few minutes later, he returned to my nurses station with an empty cup.
"I didn't need this after all," he said. "There was a toilet in there."
A Crazy Test
Visiting the psych ward, a man asked how doctors decide to institutionalize a patient.
"Well," the director said, "we fill a bathtub, then offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient, and ask him to empty the tub."
"I get it," the visitor said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's the biggest."
"No," the director said. "A normal person would pull the plug."
As older brothers will, John took the upper hand. "You know," he said, "in my work, people come into my office, tell me their problems, take off all their clothes and then pay me for my advice."