Corny Jokes

Q: Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? A: Because then it'd be a foot.

Q: What do you call a baby monkey? A: A chimp off the old block.

Q: Why did the pig get hired by the restaurant? A: He was really good at bacon.

Q: What do you call anxious dinosaurs? A: Nervous Rex.

Q: What did the fisherman say to the magician? A: Pick a cod, any cod.

Q: What's an astronaut's favorite part of a computer? A: The space bar.

Q: Why did the poor man sell yeast? A: To raise some dough.

Q. Why was the belt sent to jail? A. For holding up a pair of pants!  

I went to see the Liberty Bell recently. I don't know why everyone makes such a big deal about it. It's not all it's cracked up to be.

-Do you think glass coffins will be a success? -Remains to be seen.

Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

Q. Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? A. Because he just couldn't see himself doing it.

Q. What happened when one cannibal arrived late to the dinner party? A. The others gave him the cold shoulder.

A burglar stole all the lamps in my house. I know I should be more upset, but I'm absolutely delighted.

I gave my friend an elephant to put in his room. He said, "Thanks." I said, "Don't mention it."

People always tell me I'm condescending. (That means talking down to people.)

I can't stand Russian nesting dolls. They're so full of themselves.

Rick Astley will let you borrow most of his Pixar movies, but he's never gonna give you Up. (Credit: justbadpuns on tumblr)

Choosing a movie? Don’t trust these extremely abbreviated plot 
explanations. • The Shining: A family’s first Airbnb experience goes very wrong. @janmpdx • The Lord of the Rings: Group spends nine hours returning jewelry.  @eserunsalan • Titanic: Everyone tries the ice-bucket challenge.     @generalist • Beauty and the Beast: Stockholm syndrome works.     @DanSlott • The Chronicles of Narnia: Kid comes out of the closet.    @SueChainzz From the Twitter feed #ExplainAFilmPlotBadly

• I’m employed at a computer security company and have a colleague whose name is M. Alware. His e-mail address is [email protected] • My ex-boss’s name is R. Stone. His e-mail was [email protected] • My name is James Pan. Every other permutation of my name was taken (e.g., jpan, jamesp), so I’m stuck with [email protected] From quora.com

Red sky at night, shepherd’s 
delight. Blue sky at night, day. Humorist Tom Parry

Q: What kind of exercise do lazy 
people do? A: Diddly-squats. Submitted by Valerie Lunt, Mesa, Arizona

The attorney tells the accused, “I have some good news and some bad news.” “What’s the bad news?” asks the accused. “The bad news is, your blood 
is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it.” “What’s the good news?” “Your cholesterol is 130.”

A few months ago, Hamas 
“arrested” a dolphin for being an 
Israeli spy. Readers of Reason 
magazine came up with titles for
 the film this action might inspire: • Orcapussy • Free Schmuelly • Goldflipper • The Porpoise-Driven Life • Dolphinfidel

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said. “Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

Here are real—and very literate—names of Roller Derby players: • Grimm Scarytales • Pain Eyre • Pippi Longstompings Source: bookriot.com

I think it's pretty cool how 
the Chinese made a language entirely out of tattoos. Submitted by Adam Joshua Smargon, Newark, Delaware

I’m trying to get into classical 
music, but I can’t find any original recordings. All the music is performed by cover bands. Dan Burt, on humorlabs.com

Been reading up on the 
thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage. @dinokitten

I’m writing my book in fifth person, so 
every sentence starts out with: “I heard from this guy who told somebody ...” Demetri Martin

These words are so joining our vocabulary in 2016! Chairdrobe (n.): piling clothes on 
a chair in place of a closet or dresser. Epiphanot (n.): an idea that seems like an amazing insight to the conceiver but is in fact pointless, mundane, stupid, or incorrect. Internest (n.): the cocoon of blankets and pillows you gather around yourself while spending long periods of time on the Internet. Textpectation (n.): the anticipation felt when waiting for a response to 
a text. Unkeyboardinated (adj.): when you’re unable to type without repeatedly making mistakes. Source: viralthread.com

Bifocals are God’s way of saying, “Keep your chin up.” Comedian Matt Wohlfarth

Mary goes to the post office to buy 50 stamps for her Hanukkah cards. “What denomination?” asks the postal clerk. Mary thinks a second before 
replying, “Give me six Orthodox, 
12 Conservative, and 32 Reform.”

How can you ever be late for anything in London? They have 
a huge clock right in the middle 
of the town. Jimmy Kimmel

I think a lot of the conflict that happened in the Wild West could’ve been avoided had architects in those days just made their towns big enough for everyone. Seen on reddit.com

I’ve given up social media for the New Year and am trying to make friends outside Facebook while 
applying the same principles. Every day, I walk down the street and tell passersby what I’ve eaten, how I feel, what I did the night before, and what I will do tomorrow. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and me gardening. I also listen to their conversations and tell them I love them. And it works. I already have three people following me—two 
police officers and a psychiatrist. Submitted by Nancy L. Clark, 
Points, West Virginia

Here’s some advice: At a job 
interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician. Comedian Adam Gropman

Nature abhors a vacuum, but not as much as a cat does. anonymous

My doctor took one look at 
my gut and refused to believe that 
I work out. So I listed the exercises 
I do every day: jump to conclusions, climb the walls, drag my heels, 
push my luck, make mountains out of molehills, bend over backward, run around in circles, put my foot 
in my mouth, go over the edge, and beat around the bush. Source: gcfl.net

After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.” “But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer. “I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.” Submitted by Norie Bloom, Honolulu, Hawaii

So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world. Stewart Francis

“Pickup artists” and “garbagemen” should switch names. @ceejoyner 
(Chris Joyner)

Whoever named 
it necking is a poor judge of anatomy. Groucho Marx

Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse's mouth? A: A mechanic.

What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller? “Curses! Foil again!” Submitted by Paul Stewart, 
Richmond, Utah

A crafty young bard named McMahon, Whose poetry never would scan, Once said, with a pause, “It’s probably because I’m always trying to cram as 
many extra syllables into the 
last line as I possibly can.” Source: extremelysmart.com

Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous. @sixthformpoet

Q: What did the schizophrenic bookkeeper say? A: I hear invoices! Stephen Pickering, Marshall, Michigan

There's no “I” in denial. Peter Serafinowicz

Nostalgia: How long’s that been around? Bill Bailey

Why is there so much pressure to spend Independence Day with other people? Betsy Salkind

At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell 
a highway it’s adopted? Zach Galifianakis

• “Eye of newt, and toe of frog, Wool of bat, and tongue of dog, Adder’s fork, and blind-worm’s sting, Lizard’s leg, and howlet’s wing.”    —Paula Deen • “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.”    —Taylor Swift • “How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.”    —Christian Grey From humorlabs.com

My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records. He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me. 
A stone’s throw away, in fact. Stewart Francis

Q: Why did the chicken go to the 
séance? A: To get to the other side.

My ten-month-old was sitting in her high chair, twisting and moving all over the place. My wife said to me, “Straighten her up.” I looked at my daughter and said, “What are you doing with your life? Do you want to be this way forever? It’s time to grow up.” My wife hasn’t asked me to do anything since. @trmiller1326, from reddit.com

We can’t all live on a street with a pleasant name like Oak or Elm. Here are the least popular street names (that we hope don’t exist): • Drinkand Dr. • Vicious Circle • West 943,185th Street • Psycho Path • Peoples Ct. • Nofriggin Way From humorlabs.com

A zookeeper is ordering new 
animals. As he fills out the forms, he types “two mongeese.” That doesn’t look right, so he tries “two mongoose,” then “two mongooses.” Giving up, he types, “One mongoose, and while you’re at it, send another one.” Submitted by M. S., via Internet

I work out religiously—Christmas and Easter. Submitted by comedian Matthew Wohlfarth

• If an anonymous comment goes unread, is it still irritating? • What is the sound of no hands texting? • If nobody likes your selfie, what is the value of the self? • To see a man’s true face, look to the 
photos he hasn’t posted. Brandon Specktor

The star of Cake Boss was 
arrested for DWI. Police interrogated him for 30 minutes at 350 degrees. Comedian Joe Toplyn

Two men have been ice fishing 
all day. One has had no luck, while the other has pulled out a ton of fish. “What’s your secret?” asks the 
unlucky fisherman. “Mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm,” is the reply. “I’m sorry; what did you say?” “Mmmmm mmm mm mmm.” “I still didn’t understand you.” The lucky fisherman spits something into his hand and says slowly and clearly, “You’ve got to keep your worms warm.”

I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands were more important than others. Comedian Mitch Hedberg

If the Ten Commandments were Written by Popular Websites... I. What You Need to Know Now About the Lord Totally Being God II. At the Beginning He Had Me Confused, but by Minute Two I Knew that I Shouldn’t Have Other Gods III. Are You Making This Common Mistake with Graven Images? IV. How I Work: Read This Life Hack from God, Your Only Creator V. She Admitted to Doing What Every Sunday? VI. Seven Morning Habits of People Holier than You: #7 No Killing Before Lunch VII. 37 Things in Your Bedroom That You Need to Get Rid of Right Now, Like Adulteresses VIII. What the Government Doesn’t Want You to Know About Stealing Your Neighbor’s Servants IX. This Little Girl Bore False Witness, and the Results Will Shock You X. Doctors Hate Her, but You Shouldn’t Covet Her From DAVID TATE, on McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, mcsweeneys.net

A farmer counted 196 cows in 
the field. But when he rounded them up, he had 200.

On an icy, bitter-cold day, Hank visited Lou. “I had a rough time getting here,” said Hank. “For every step forward, I slipped back two.” “If you slid back two steps for 
every one you took forward, how’d you get here?” asked Lou. “I almost didn’t. But then I said to myself, Forget it. So I turned around and started home.” Submitted by Freda Sloat, Tuxedo, New York

Do you still rock out to eight-track tapes? Then you’ll dig these band names for aging musicians: • Counting Crows Feet • R.E.Member? • Nine Inch Toenails • Hair Supply • Minivan Morrison • The Early Byrds • WalkDMC From Dave Pell of nextdraft.com, on medium.com

The annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest honors purposely lousy opening sentences for nonexistent novels. This entry from finalist Phillip Davies of Cardiff, Wales, gave us a very real laugh: “Finally, after 97 long days adrift, Captain Pertwee was 
rescued, mercifully ending his miserable diet of rainwater and strips of sun-dried Haddock—which was 
actually far ghastlier than it sounded, what with George Haddock being 
his former first mate.”

  The satisfactory.

None of my grandsons share my corny sense of humor. When the family is eating lasagna, I say, “Lean over your plate, boys. You’ll get 
less-on-ya.” I say to the ten-year-old, “Don’t yell through the screen; you’ll strain your voice.” And when I took another grandson to the zoo, I asked, “Do you know why that snake’s not pressed against the glass? He doesn’t want to be a windshield viper.” They’ll probably laugh later. Homer Adams, Nashville, Tennessee