Q: How much does a Mustang cost?
A: More than you can af-Ford.
RD.COM Jokes Corny Jokes Page 2
Corny Jokes
Get a laugh out of these classic, corny jokes.
Groaning is the best medicine. You’ll find out fast with these corny jokes for adults and corny puns.
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Policeman Jokes
Q: What did the policeman say to his belly button?
A: You're under a vest.
Q: What did the policeman say to his belly button?
A: You're under a vest.
Halloween Tricks
Q: What do you call someone who plays tricks on Halloween?
A: Prankenstein.
Q: What do you call someone who plays tricks on Halloween?
A: Prankenstein.
Get more jokes, puns and riddles
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Nose or Foot?
Q: Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
A: Because then it'd be a foot.
Q: Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
A: Because then it'd be a foot.
Baby Monkey
Q: What do you call a baby monkey?
A: A chimp off the old block.
Q: What do you call a baby monkey?
A: A chimp off the old block.
Baking Pig
Q: Why did the pig get hired by the restaurant?
A: He was really good at bacon.
Q: Why did the pig get hired by the restaurant?
A: He was really good at bacon.
Anxious Dino
Q: What do you call anxious dinosaurs?
A: Nervous Rex.
Q: What do you call anxious dinosaurs?
A: Nervous Rex.
Fisherman Magic
Q: What did the fisherman say to the magician?
A: Pick a cod, any cod.
Q: What did the fisherman say to the magician?
A: Pick a cod, any cod.
Space Computer
Q: What's an astronaut's favorite part of a computer?
A: The space bar.
Q: What's an astronaut's favorite part of a computer?
A: The space bar.
Dough for the Poor
Q: Why did the poor man sell yeast?
A: To raise some dough.
Q: Why did the poor man sell yeast?
A: To raise some dough.
Buckle Down
Q. Why was the belt sent to jail?
A. For holding up a pair of pants!
Q. Why was the belt sent to jail?
A. For holding up a pair of pants!
Crack a Joke
I went to see the Liberty Bell recently. I don't know why everyone makes such a big deal about it. It's not all it's cracked up to be.
I went to see the Liberty Bell recently. I don't know why everyone makes such a big deal about it. It's not all it's cracked up to be.
Peek-a-Boo
-Do you think glass coffins will be a success?
-Remains to be seen.
-Do you think glass coffins will be a success?
-Remains to be seen.
Coming Through!
Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
Hidden Talent
Q. Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
A. Because he just couldn't see himself doing it.
Q. Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
A. Because he just couldn't see himself doing it.
How Distasteful
Q. What happened when one cannibal arrived late to the dinner party?
A. The others gave him the cold shoulder.
Q. What happened when one cannibal arrived late to the dinner party?
A. The others gave him the cold shoulder.
Who Turned Out the Lights?
A burglar stole all the lamps in my house. I know I should be more upset, but I'm absolutely delighted.
A burglar stole all the lamps in my house. I know I should be more upset, but I'm absolutely delighted.
Pachyderm Problems?
I gave my friend an elephant to put in his room.
He said, "Thanks."
I said, "Don't mention it."
I gave my friend an elephant to put in his room.
He said, "Thanks."
I said, "Don't mention it."
Can’t Imagine Why…
People always tell me I'm condescending.
(That means talking down to people.)
People always tell me I'm condescending.
(That means talking down to people.)
How Does This Joke Stack Up?
I can't stand Russian nesting dolls. They're so full of themselves.
I can't stand Russian nesting dolls. They're so full of themselves.
Rick-Rolled
Rick Astley will let you borrow most of his Pixar movies, but he's never gonna give you Up.
(Credit: justbadpuns on tumblr)
Rick Astley will let you borrow most of his Pixar movies, but he's never gonna give you Up.
(Credit: justbadpuns on tumblr)
Film Plots, Badly Explained
Choosing a movie? Don’t trust these extremely abbreviated plot
explanations.
• The Shining: A family’s first Airbnb experience goes very wrong. @janmpdx
• The Lord of the Rings: Group spends nine hours returning jewelry. @eserunsalan
• Titanic: Everyone tries the ice-bucket challenge. @generalist
• Beauty and the Beast: Stockholm syndrome works. @DanSlott
• The Chronicles of Narnia: Kid comes out of the closet. @SueChainzz
From the Twitter feed #ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Choosing a movie? Don’t trust these extremely abbreviated plot explanations. • The Shining: A family’s first Airbnb experience goes very wrong. @janmpdx • The Lord of the Rings: Group spends...
Your Work E-mail is What?
• I’m employed at a computer security company and have a colleague whose name is M. Alware. His e-mail address is [email protected].
• My ex-boss’s name is R. Stone. His e-mail was [email protected].
• My name is James Pan. Every other permutation of my name was taken (e.g., jpan, jamesp), so I’m stuck with [email protected].
From quora.com
• I’m employed at a computer security company and have a colleague whose name is M. Alware. His e-mail address is ma[email protected]. • My ex-boss’s name is R. Stone. His...
Tom Parry on Folk Wisdom
Red sky at night, shepherd’s
delight. Blue sky at night, day.
Humorist Tom Parry
Red sky at night, shepherd’s
delight. Blue sky at night, day.
Humorist Tom Parry
What Kind Of Exercise Do Lazy People Do?
Q: What kind of exercise do lazy
people do?
A: Diddly-squats.
Submitted by Valerie Lunt, Mesa, Arizona
Q: What kind of exercise do lazy
people do?
A: Diddly-squats.
Submitted by Valerie Lunt, Mesa, Arizona
This Lawyer Is Thorough…
The attorney tells the accused, “I have some good news and some bad news.”
“What’s the bad news?” asks the accused.
“The bad news is, your blood
is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it.”
“What’s the good news?”
“Your cholesterol is 130.”
The attorney tells the accused, “I have some good news and some bad news.” “What’s the bad news?” asks the accused. “The bad news is, your blood is all over...
Dolphin Spy Thrillers
A few months ago, Hamas
“arrested” a dolphin for being an
Israeli spy. Readers of Reason
magazine came up with titles for
the film this action might inspire:
• Orcapussy
• Free Schmuelly
• Goldflipper
• The Porpoise-Driven Life
• Dolphinfidel
A few months ago, Hamas “arrested” a dolphin for being an Israeli spy. Readers of Reason magazine came up with titles for the film this action might inspire: • Orcapussy...
A Real Gut-Buster
A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha! That’s not going to help,” she said.
“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha! That’s not going to help,” she said. “Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only...
Roller Derby Teams for Book Nerds
Here are real—and very literate—names of Roller Derby players:
• Grimm Scarytales
• Pain Eyre
• Pippi Longstompings
Source: bookriot.com
Here are real—and very literate—names of Roller Derby players:
• Grimm Scarytales
• Pain Eyre
• Pippi Longstompings
Source: bookriot.com
Fluent in Ink
I think it's pretty cool how
the Chinese made a language entirely out of tattoos.
Submitted by Adam Joshua Smargon, Newark, Delaware
I think it's pretty cool how
the Chinese made a language entirely out of tattoos.
Submitted by Adam Joshua Smargon, Newark, Delaware
A Classic Conundrum
I’m trying to get into classical
music, but I can’t find any original recordings. All the music is performed by cover bands.
Dan Burt, on humorlabs.com
I’m trying to get into classical
music, but I can’t find any original recordings. All the music is performed by cover bands.
Dan Burt, on humorlabs.com
Certainly (Undoubtedly, Definitely…)
Been reading up on the
thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.
@dinokitten
Been reading up on the
thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.
@dinokitten
Reading The Fifth
I’m writing my book in fifth person, so
every sentence starts out with: “I heard from this guy who told somebody ...”
Demetri Martin
I’m writing my book in fifth person, so
every sentence starts out with: “I heard from this guy who told somebody ...”
Demetri Martin
New Words for 2016
These words are so joining our vocabulary in 2016!
Chairdrobe (n.): piling clothes on
a chair in place of a closet or dresser.
Epiphanot (n.): an idea that seems like an amazing insight to the conceiver but is in fact pointless, mundane, stupid, or incorrect.
Internest (n.): the cocoon of blankets and pillows you gather around yourself while spending long periods of time on the Internet.
Textpectation (n.): the anticipation felt when waiting for a response to
a text.
Unkeyboardinated (adj.): when you’re unable to type without repeatedly making mistakes.
Source: viralthread.com
These words are so joining our vocabulary in 2016! Chairdrobe (n.): piling clothes on a chair in place of a closet or dresser. Epiphanot (n.): an idea that seems like...
Holy Vision
Bifocals are God’s way of saying, “Keep your chin up.”
Comedian Matt Wohlfarth
Bifocals are God’s way of saying, “Keep your chin up.”
Comedian Matt Wohlfarth
8 Days’ Worth
Mary goes to the post office to buy 50 stamps for her Hanukkah cards. “What denomination?” asks the postal clerk.
Mary thinks a second before
replying, “Give me six Orthodox,
12 Conservative, and 32 Reform.”
Mary goes to the post office to buy 50 stamps for her Hanukkah cards. “What denomination?” asks the postal clerk. Mary thinks a second before replying, “Give me six Orthodox,...
Bloody Good Question
How can you ever be late for anything in London? They have
a huge clock right in the middle
of the town.
Jimmy Kimmel
How can you ever be late for anything in London? They have
a huge clock right in the middle
of the town.
Jimmy Kimmel
Mild, Mild West
I think a lot of the conflict that happened in the Wild West could’ve been avoided had architects in those days just made their towns big enough for everyone.
Seen on reddit.com
I think a lot of the conflict that happened in the Wild West could’ve been avoided had architects in those days just made their towns big enough for everyone. Seen...
Social Media IRL
I’ve given up social media for the New Year and am trying to make friends outside Facebook while
applying the same principles. Every day, I walk down the street and tell passersby what I’ve eaten, how I feel, what I did the night before, and what I will do tomorrow. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and me gardening. I also listen to their conversations and tell them I love them. And it works. I already have three people following me—two
police officers and a psychiatrist.
Submitted by Nancy L. Clark,
Points, West Virginia
I’ve given up social media for the New Year and am trying to make friends outside Facebook while applying the same principles. Every day, I walk down the street and...
Margin of Error
Here’s some advice: At a job
interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.
Comedian Adam Gropman
Here’s some advice: At a job
interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.
Comedian Adam Gropman
When a Black Hole Crosses Your Path
Nature abhors a vacuum, but not as much as a cat does.
anonymous
Nature abhors a vacuum, but not as much as a cat does.
anonymous
My Daily Regimen
My doctor took one look at
my gut and refused to believe that
I work out. So I listed the exercises
I do every day: jump to conclusions, climb the walls, drag my heels,
push my luck, make mountains out of molehills, bend over backward, run around in circles, put my foot
in my mouth, go over the edge, and beat around the bush.
Source: gcfl.net
My doctor took one look at my gut and refused to believe that I work out. So I listed the exercises I do every day: jump to conclusions, climb the...
The Calculating Sheepdog
After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.”
“But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer.
“I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.”
Submitted by Norie Bloom, Honolulu, Hawaii
After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.” “But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer....
Stewart Francis on Spelling
So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world.
Stewart Francis
So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world.
Stewart Francis
Trash of Society
“Pickup artists” and “garbagemen” should switch names.
@ceejoyner
(Chris Joyner)
“Pickup artists” and “garbagemen” should switch names.
@ceejoyner
(Chris Joyner)
Groucho Marx on Make Outs
Whoever named
it necking is a poor judge of anatomy.
Groucho Marx
Whoever named
it necking is a poor judge of anatomy.
Groucho Marx
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Q: What Do You Call an Amish Guy…
Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse's mouth?
A: A mechanic.
Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse's mouth?
A: A mechanic.
Toto, We’re Not in Cans Anymore…
What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller?
“Curses! Foil again!”
Submitted by Paul Stewart,
Richmond, Utah
What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller?
“Curses! Foil again!”
Submitted by Paul Stewart,
Richmond, Utah
A Long-Winded Limerick
A crafty young bard named McMahon,
Whose poetry never would scan,
Once said, with a pause,
“It’s probably because
I’m always trying to cram as
many extra syllables into the
last line as I possibly can.”
Source: extremelysmart.com
A crafty young bard named McMahon, Whose poetry never would scan, Once said, with a pause, “It’s probably because I’m always trying to cram as many extra syllables into the...
The Worst Page in The Dictionary
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
@sixthformpoet
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
@sixthformpoet
Schizophrenic Bookkeeper
Q: What did the schizophrenic bookkeeper say?
A: I hear invoices!
Stephen Pickering, Marshall, Michigan
Q: What did the schizophrenic bookkeeper say?
A: I hear invoices!
Stephen Pickering, Marshall, Michigan
Peter Serafinowicz, on Denial
There's no “I” in denial.
Peter Serafinowicz
There's no “I” in denial.
Peter Serafinowicz
A Tough Question, by Bill Bailey
Nostalgia: How long’s that been around?
Bill Bailey
Nostalgia: How long’s that been around?
Bill Bailey
A Tough Question, by Betsy Salkind
Why is there so much pressure to spend Independence Day with other people?
Betsy Salkind
Why is there so much pressure to spend Independence Day with other people?
Betsy Salkind
A Tough Question, by Zach Galifianakis
At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell
a highway it’s adopted?
Zach Galifianakis
At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell
a highway it’s adopted?
Zach Galifianakis
Famous Quotes (With More Appropriate Authors)
• “Eye of newt, and toe of frog, Wool of bat, and tongue of dog, Adder’s fork, and blind-worm’s sting, Lizard’s leg, and howlet’s wing.” —Paula Deen
• “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.” —Taylor Swift
• “How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.” —Christian Grey
From humorlabs.com
• “Eye of newt, and toe of frog, Wool of bat, and tongue of dog, Adder’s fork, and blind-worm’s sting, Lizard’s leg, and howlet’s wing.” —Paula Deen • “Hell hath...
Ahead of the Competition
My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records. He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me.
A stone’s throw away, in fact.
Stewart Francis
My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records. He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me.
A stone’s throw away, in fact.
Stewart Francis
Why Did The Chicken Go to…
Q: Why did the chicken go to the
séance?
A: To get to the other side.
Q: Why did the chicken go to the
séance?
A: To get to the other side.
Parenting, the Dad-Joke Way
My ten-month-old was sitting in her high chair, twisting and moving all over the place. My wife said to me, “Straighten her up.”
I looked at my daughter and said, “What are you doing with your life? Do you want to be this way forever? It’s time to grow up.”
My wife hasn’t asked me to do anything since.
@trmiller1326, from reddit.com
My ten-month-old was sitting in her high chair, twisting and moving all over the place. My wife said to me, “Straighten her up.” I looked at my daughter and said,...
The Worst Streets in America
We can’t all live on a street with a pleasant name like Oak or Elm. Here are the least popular street names (that we hope don’t exist):
• Drinkand Dr.
• Vicious Circle
• West 943,185th Street
• Psycho Path
• Peoples Ct.
• Nofriggin Way
From humorlabs.com
We can’t all live on a street with a pleasant name like Oak or Elm. Here are the least popular street names (that we hope don’t exist): • Drinkand Dr....
What's the Plural of Mongoose?
A zookeeper is ordering new
animals. As he fills out the forms, he types “two mongeese.” That doesn’t look right, so he tries “two mongoose,” then “two mongooses.” Giving up, he types, “One mongoose, and while you’re at it, send another one.”
Submitted by M. S., via Internet
A zookeeper is ordering new animals. As he fills out the forms, he types “two mongeese.” That doesn’t look right, so he tries “two mongoose,” then “two mongooses.” Giving up,...
Matthew Wohlfarth on Exercise
I work out religiously—Christmas and Easter.
Submitted by comedian Matthew Wohlfarth
I work out religiously—Christmas and Easter.
Submitted by comedian Matthew Wohlfarth
Zen Koans for the Internet Age
• If an anonymous comment goes unread, is it still irritating?
• What is the sound of no hands texting?
• If nobody likes your selfie, what is the value of the self?
• To see a man’s true face, look to the
photos he hasn’t posted.
Brandon Specktor
• If an anonymous comment goes unread, is it still irritating? • What is the sound of no hands texting? • If nobody likes your selfie, what is the value...
The Star of Cake Boss Was Arrested…
The star of Cake Boss was
arrested for DWI. Police interrogated him for 30 minutes at 350 degrees.
Comedian Joe Toplyn
The star of Cake Boss was
arrested for DWI. Police interrogated him for 30 minutes at 350 degrees.
Comedian Joe Toplyn
Two Men Are Out Ice Fishing…
Two men have been ice fishing
all day. One has had no luck, while the other has pulled out a ton of fish.
“What’s your secret?” asks the
unlucky fisherman.
“Mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm,” is the reply.
“I’m sorry; what did you say?”
“Mmmmm mmm mm mmm.”
“I still didn’t understand you.”
The lucky fisherman spits something into his hand and says slowly and clearly, “You’ve got to keep your worms warm.”
Two men have been ice fishing all day. One has had no luck, while the other has pulled out a ton of fish. “What’s your secret?” asks the unlucky fisherman....
Hedberg on Highlights
I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands were more important than others.
Comedian Mitch Hedberg
I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands were more important than others.
Comedian Mitch Hedberg
Ten Commandments by Popular Websites
If the Ten Commandments were Written by Popular Websites...
I. What You Need to Know Now About the Lord Totally Being God
II. At the Beginning He Had Me Confused, but by Minute Two I Knew that I Shouldn’t Have Other Gods
III. Are You Making This Common Mistake with Graven Images?
IV. How I Work: Read This Life Hack from God, Your Only Creator
V. She Admitted to Doing What Every Sunday?
VI. Seven Morning Habits of People Holier than You: #7 No Killing Before Lunch
VII. 37 Things in Your Bedroom That You Need to Get Rid of Right Now, Like Adulteresses
VIII. What the Government Doesn’t Want You to Know About Stealing Your Neighbor’s Servants
IX. This Little Girl Bore False Witness, and the Results Will Shock You
X. Doctors Hate Her, but You Shouldn’t Covet Her
From DAVID TATE, on McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, mcsweeneys.net
If the Ten Commandments were Written by Popular Websites… I. What You Need to Know Now About the Lord Totally Being God II. At the Beginning He Had Me Confused,...
Steer Clear of this Joke
A farmer counted 196 cows in
the field. But when he rounded them up, he had 200.
A farmer counted 196 cows in
the field. But when he rounded them up, he had 200.
A Step in the Wrong Direction
On an icy, bitter-cold day, Hank visited Lou. “I had a rough time getting here,” said Hank. “For every step forward, I slipped back two.”
“If you slid back two steps for
every one you took forward, how’d you get here?” asked Lou.
“I almost didn’t. But then I said to myself, Forget it. So I turned around and started home.”
Submitted by Freda Sloat, Tuxedo, New York
On an icy, bitter-cold day, Hank visited Lou. “I had a rough time getting here,” said Hank. “For every step forward, I slipped back two.” “If you slid back two...
Over-the-Hill Band Names
Do you still rock out to eight-track tapes? Then you’ll dig these band names for aging musicians:
• Counting Crows Feet
• R.E.Member?
• Nine Inch Toenails
• Hair Supply
• Minivan Morrison
• The Early Byrds
• WalkDMC
From Dave Pell of nextdraft.com, on medium.com
Do you still rock out to eight-track tapes? Then you’ll dig these band names for aging musicians: • Counting Crows Feet • R.E.Member? • Nine Inch Toenails • Hair Supply...
Worst First Sentence
The annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest honors purposely lousy opening sentences for nonexistent novels. This entry from finalist Phillip Davies of Cardiff, Wales, gave us a very real laugh:
“Finally, after 97 long days adrift, Captain Pertwee was
rescued, mercifully ending his miserable diet of rainwater and strips of sun-dried Haddock—which was
actually far ghastlier than it sounded, what with George Haddock being
his former first mate.”
The annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest honors purposely lousy opening sentences for nonexistent novels. This entry from finalist Phillip Davies of Cardiff, Wales, gave us a very real laugh: “Finally, after...
Where are Average Things Manufactured?
The satisfactory.
The satisfactory.
Dad Jokes from Granddad
None of my grandsons share my corny sense of humor. When the family is eating lasagna, I say, “Lean over your plate, boys. You’ll get
less-on-ya.” I say to the ten-year-old, “Don’t yell through the screen; you’ll strain your voice.” And when I took another grandson to the zoo, I asked, “Do you know why that snake’s not pressed against the glass? He doesn’t want to be a windshield viper.”
They’ll probably laugh later.
Homer Adams, Nashville, Tennessee
None of my grandsons share my corny sense of humor. When the family is eating lasagna, I say, “Lean over your plate, boys. You’ll get less-on-ya.” I say to the...