You won’t need blue light glasses for these computer jokes and IT jokes.
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I asked. "The hard drive crashed."
"We can't just send people down on your say-so," said the specialist. "How do you know that's the problem?"
"A student told me."
"We'll send someone right over."
Mom: Stop at dollar store on way home and get lunch maggots.
Me: Lunch maggots?
Mom: Ziploc lunch Baggies.
Mom: Spell-check is not helping me.
Mom: By the way, this is Dad.
"I'll miss you too, dear," she responded. "Stay safe. LOL, Great-Grandma."
Poor Mom didn't realize that LOL doesn't stand for "lots of love."
Customer: Can you help me find a book?
Me: Of course. Do you know the author or title?
Customer: Well, I was at the beach and I saw this girl reading a purple book. She looked like she was really enjoying it. I want that book.
Me: Ma'am, you're going to have to be more specific. There are a lot of books with purple covers.
Customer: Can't you search on your computer for purple books?
Me: Unfortunately, no.
Customer: In that case, I'll take my business to a bookstore that has better computers.
LARRY: Happy Valentine's Day to All, especially Wendy, Heather, Lindsey, Ellen, Valerie, Isabel, and all the other wonderful women I adore.
JENNIFER: You forgot your wife.
"How did you do that?" my friend asked.
"Simple. In this part of the country, the satellite dishes point south."
Jack Bauer: I don't have a lot of time. You're going to have to trust me. The country's fate is in my hands. So please, listen to me. The Walmart is on the left, 2.6 miles up the road. Today's the last day for the rollback prices on that wicker hamper you want, so grab it and go. Then we have some business to take care of.
The Biggest Loser trainers: Come on! So you're lost. Are you gonna cry? Don't you dare reach for that glove compartment. I know that's where you hide your Twix bars. Just take a breath. Pull over. Do some stretching. Get back in. And let's turn around and get back on track! There's a weigh station on the right.
A: St. Francis of a CC.
A: St. Francis of a CC.
Trying to explain to our five-year-old daughter how much computers had changed, my husband pointed to our brand-new personal computer and told her that when he was in college, a computer with the same amount of power would have been the size of a house.
Wide-eyed, our daughter asked, “How big was the mouse?”
Pleasantly surprised by his candor, I asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"
"Actually it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."
Learning to use a voice-recognition computer program, I was excited about the prospect of finally being able to write more accurately than I type. First I read out loud to the computer for about an hour to train it to my voice, then I opened a clean page and dictated a nursery rhyme to see the magic.
The computer recorded: "Murry fed a little clam, its fleas was bright and slow."
The program responded with a message box stating: "Come on, be serious. These are just paper airplanes."
"Mom," he complained to me one day, "this is like we're living back in the twentieth century."
"I suppose that's true," the GM exec agreed. "But would you really want your car to crash twice a day?"
"Please let it work," pleaded the guilt-ridden waiter.
A waitress replied, "Should be faster than ever. That was a double espresso."
Students at Iowa State University proved once and for all that the computer just can't replace human calculations. They held an "IBM mixer" dance, where each student fed his vital statistics and interests into a computer and was then paired off with a member of the opposite sex who, the computer said, was most suited to him.
Imagine the chagrin of one coed who ended up with her twin brother.
"It's a variant of the I Love You virus, only worse," I said.
"What could be worse?" my single co-worker asked wryly. "The Let's Just Be Friends virus?"
I couldn't help but laugh when my husband impatiently waved at me to move the car forward while saying, "Scroll up, honey."
My 50-something friend Nancy and I decided to introduce her mother to the magic of the Internet. Our first move was to access the popular "Ask Jeeves" site, and we told her it could answer any question she had.
Nancy's mother was very skeptical until Nancy said, "It's true, Mom. Think of something to ask it."
As I sat with fingers poised over the keyboard, Nancy's mother thought a minute, then responded, "How is Aunt Helen feeling?"
I called the computer services office and explained, "My computer is down. The hard drive crashed."
"We can't just send people down on your say-so. How do you know that's the problem?"
"A student told me," I answered.
"We'll send someone over right away."