38 Nurse Jokes That RN-Believably Funny
Whether you're a nurse or a patient you'll get a side stitch cracking up at the cheesy and clever nurse jokes.
Nurses are amazing people. They work long hours in stressful environments and (sometimes) deal with cranky patients—all while delivering loving care with a smile to their patients. Their days are as mentally and physically exhausting as they are rewarding. Yet ask any nurse why they do what they do and most will say it’s because they love to care for people. Having an extra funny bone helps nurses get through the day. Heck, being able to laugh in any situation lightens the day, whether they are funny dentist jokes in the waiting room, clever accounting jokes while you’re getting your taxes done, or witty work-from-home jokes you share on Zoom.
1. Q: Why did the nurse need a red crayon?
A: She needed to draw blood.
Submitted by Jen O’Callahghan, nursing student, Lansing, New York
2. Q: Why are nurses afraid of the outdoors?
A: Too much poison IV.
Submitted by nurse Phuong Ly, Stanford Health Care, California.
3. Q: What do transplant nurses hate?
4. Q: How do you know when a nurse is having a bad day?
A: She won’t stop needling people.
5. Don’t mess with me—I get paid to poke people with very sharp objects.
6. Never upset a pediatric nurse. They have very little patients.
7. Q: What did the nurse say to the man who fainted at the airport terminal?
A: I think you might have a terminal illness.
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8. Q: What is it called when a hospital runs out of maternity nurses?
A: A mid-wife crisis!
Submitted by nurses Anna Tran and Simran Arora, Stanford Health Care, California
9. I kept trying to playing hide-and-seek when I was in the hospital but the security kept finding me in the ICU.
10. A patient arrived at the ER via an ambulance with minor burns on his legs. His shoes and the bottoms of his jeans are charred. The doctor asks what happened, and the patient says he was trying to use a propane-powered weed burner in his yard, and things go out of hand. The doctor noted his breath reeked of alcohol and asked him if he had been drinking. The patient adamantly says no. The doctor couldn’t resist a setup like this and looked the man directly in the eye and said, “liar, liar, pants on fire.” Everyone had a good laugh, except the patient, who was so drunk it went over his head.
11. I went to visit my sister at the hospital, but after driving around the only parking spot I found was in the C section. I had to climb out of the sunroof.
12. Q: Why does the infectious disease ward at the hospital have the fastest Wi-Fi?
A: Because it has all the hot spots.
13. Q: Why did Mr. Peanut go to the hospital?
Because he was a-salted
14. A priest, rabbi, and minister all had to go to the hospital. Turns out, they got alcohol poisoning from going to the bar so much.
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Courtesy of What It Means to Be a Nurse
15. Nurse: “Anything else I can get you?”
Patient: “A million dollars!”
16. Q: What inspires a nurse to move at the speed of light?
A: A bed alarm or fresh coffee in the breakroom
17. Nurse: My best friend’s name is Pam. She’s pretty low-key and great to be around. She goes by Loraze Pam, Diaze Pam, or Clonaze Pam.
18. Know what a nurse and a wood frog have in common? They can both hold their bladder for a really long time.
19. Murphy’s Law of Nursing #47: The poop almost always misses the Chux pad despite your best efforts.
20. Murphy’s Law of Nursing #59: You finish your charting and realize you’re in the wrong patient’s chart.
21. Nurse: You know you’re getting hangry when your patient’s meal tray starts to look appetizing.
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Health care puns
22. My younger brother made so many rash decisions he decided to become a dermatologist.
23. Never try lying to an X-ray technician. They can see right through you.
24. Organ coordinator: Here’s our list of donor lungs, hearts, and kidneys in alphabetical order.
Transplant surgeon: Impressive! It’s very organ-ized.
25. A man was wheeled into the operating room, but at the last minute, he had a change of heart.
26. Did you hear about the two podiatrists who left the practice? They became arch enemies.
27. Insuree: What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. Insurer: You’ll need to find alternative forms of payment.
28. Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates. One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, “As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children.” St. Peter opens the gates and lets him in.
The next doctor says, “As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives.” St. Peter nods in approval and lets him in.
The last man says, “I was an HMO manager. I helped hundreds of families get cost-effective health care.” St. Peter replies, “You may enter, but you’re only approved for a three-day stay.”
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29. Acupuncture. What’s the point?
30. When you get a bladder infection, Ur-ine trouble.
31. I caught a cold riding on a carousel. I think there was something going around.
32. PMS jokes aren’t funny—period.
33. Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. But, smoking bacon will cure it.
34. I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I’ve never looked back since.
35. Who’s idea was it to sing “Happy Birthday” while washing your hands? Now every time I go to the bathroom, my kids expect me to walk out with a cake.
36. I got really sick after drinking milk with cream. My stomach was churning for a while, but now I’m finally feeling butter.
37. Laughter is the best medicine—except when it comes to treating diarrhea.
38. Recent studies show patients who have a cold feel better on Saturdays and Sundays. Evidence points to a weekend immune system.
RELATED: 25 Clever Jokes That Make You Sound Smart
Submit your best joke here and get $25 if Reader’s Digest runs it.