150 Mom Jokes That Are Funny Because They’re True
A job that requires no experience, pays nothing, and has no days off? That's motherhood, but these mom jokes will help you laugh about it.
Motherhood is like a fairy tale in reverse. You start out in a beautiful ball gown and end up in stained rags cleaning up after little people. But part of the happily ever after of having kids is the laughs along the way, and learning to laugh about being a mom. Funny mom quotes, mom memes, and mom jokes are just what your fairy godmother ordered.
From pregnancy to taking care of wee ones to dealing with teens, every stage of motherhood is covered with these hilarious mom jokes. Share one (or 100) of these short jokes with the mothers in your life. Mother’s Day is coming up soon, and if you want something a little more lighthearted instead of a heartfelt mom quote or Mother’s Day wish for this years’ Mother’s Day card, these mom jokes will do the trick! They may even spark some Mother’s Day ideas.
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1. Don’t be so hard on yourself; the mom in ET had an alien living in her house for weeks and didn’t notice.
2. As a mom, I’m no longer a snack. I’m a Happy Meal. I come with toys and kids.
3. Motherhood has shown me that you don’t need fun to have alcohol.
4. Motherhood is like a fairy tale, but in reverse. You start out in a beautiful ball gown and end up in stained rags cleaning up after little people.
5. “It’s spicy” is the universal mom code word for “I don’t want to share.”
6. Some days you question your parenting. Other days you have to question your child’s childing.
7. My kids can never make fun of me for teaching me how to use my phone. I taught them how to use a spoon.
8. How kids say goodnight: “I fed the dog, and now he’s making a funny noise.”
9. Good moms let their kids lick the beaters. Great moms turn them off first.
10. Having a weird mom builds character.
11. Being a mother of a teenager is finally understanding why some animals eat their young.
12. The fastest way to spread news isn’t on the internet. It’s by telling your mom.
13. Nothing is truly lost until Mom can’t find it.
14. Ever heard of a job that requires no experience, gives no training, pays nothing, and you can’t quit? That’s motherhood. Oh, and people’s lives are on the line.
15. Motherhood taught me just how far I can let myself go and still be okay with it.
16. Motherhood means that half the time I feel like I’m running an asylum, and the other half I feel like I belong in one.
17. Mommy doesn’t have a favorite child—you all annoy me equally.
18. Why is a computer so smart? Because it listens to its motherboard.
19. What’s the fastest land mammal? A toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Any levity is a good thing when your job (or second job) is wrangling little humans. So have a laugh at these dark jokes that just might fit your mood.
Funny mom jokes
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20. “After a long day, my favorite thing is to think of something for dinner that everyone will eat.” —No mother, ever
21. I’d love to be a Pinterest mom, but it turns out I’m more of an Amazon Prime mom.
22. Showering as a mom should be an Olympic sport: Everyone’s yelling your name, you have to beat the clock, and you rarely win a medal.
23. I hate when I’m waiting for Mom to cook dinner—and then I remember I am Mom.
24. I live in constant fear of having to share a “fun fact” about me.
25. I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for opening her granola bar from the top instead of the bottom. I don’t know what I was thinking.
26. Mom’s casseroles come in two sizes: not enough and enough to feed an army with leftovers.
27. Have you heard the urban legend about what happens when you scream “Mom” three times in the shower? A nice lady appears with the towel you forgot.
28. I love all my children equally. Except for the one who sleeps. I love that one more.
29. Mom’s recipe for iced coffee: Have kids. Make coffee. Forget you made coffee. Put it in the microwave. Forget you put it in the microwave. Drink it cold.
30. I love my kids. Not enough to flip the chicken nuggets halfway through cooking, but I love them.
31. Mom sleep: the state of rest where your eyes are closed but you can still hear everything your kids are doing.
32. “Look at me, Mommy!” is the toddler equivalent of “Hold my beer.”
33. Kids sure do make a lot of plans for people who can’t drive themselves anywhere.
34. What did Mommy spider say to baby spider? “You spend too much time on the web.”
35. Science teacher: “When is the boiling point reached?” Student: “When my mother sees my report card!”
36. What makes more noise than a child jumping on mommy’s bed? Two children jumping on mommy’s bed!
37. Why was it so hard for the pirate to call his mom? Because she left the phone off the hook.
38. Why do Mothers have to have two visits to the optometrist? Because they also have eyes in the back of their head.
39. Why did mom get a plate of English muffins on Mother’s Day? Her family wanted her to feel like a queen!
40. Why did the bean children give their mom a sweater? She was chili.
41. Roses are red, violets are blue. My mom jokes are funnier than you.
42. Why is Mother’s Day before Father’s Day? So the kids can spend all their Christmas money on mom.
43. Why did they have to rush the mommy rattlesnake to the doctor? She bit her tongue!
44. What sweets do astronaut moms like? Mars bars.
45. Everything you do is so mom point.
46. What three words solve dad’s every problem? Ask your mother.
47. What do you call a mom who can’t draw? Tracy.
48. Why did the boy put the Mother’s Day cupcakes in the freezer? His sister told him to ice them.
49. What kind of coffee was the alien mommy drinking on Mother’s Day? Starbucks.
50. Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days? Their kids have to play inside!
Kids can make you feel like you’re shedding brain cells. But these clever jokes will make you feel smart.
New mom jokes
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51. I don’t want to sleep like a baby. I want to sleep like my husband.
52. Important truth no one tells you: Both of you come home from the hospital in diapers.
53. You know it’s time to clean out the diaper bag when you put it on the front seat and your car assumes it’s a person not wearing a seat belt.
54. May your coffee be stronger than your toddler.
55. It’s ironic that we celebrate the kid on the anniversary of the day their mom did all the work.
56. A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do in a day.
57. First baby: You start wearing maternity clothes as soon as the test is positive. Second baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible. Third baby: Your maternity clothes are your regular clothes.
58. I’m going to donate these bags of outgrown baby clothes to Goodwill. But first I’m going to drive around with them in my trunk for two months.
59. A friend asked me if she should have a baby after 40. I said no, 40 babies are enough.
60. New mom math: Being able to instantly calculate age by months, even after one year.
Try your humor on your little ones with these “what do you call” jokes. We’ll go first: What do you call a person who’s overworked and not paid at all? A mom.
Moms feeling #blessed
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61. My kid sure talks a lot of crap for someone who still puts Crocs on the wrong feet.
62. Why is it that kids can repeat a swear word after hearing you say it once but still “don’t know how” to pick up their shoes despite seeing you do it a million times?
63. “Mom, I love you loads. Like, loads of laundry. Speaking of…”
64. Your nickname is Mom. But your real name is Mooooooooom!
65. Why do my kids never appreciate that I stayed up all night overthinking for them?
66. I expected to have to spend more time on things after having kids, but no one warned me about how many years of my life I’d lose waiting for them to get in and out of the car.
67. I love when the kids tell me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a sink full of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time.
68. Is it yelling? Or just very enthusiastic motivational speaking?
69. My mom superpower is being the only person in the house who can see an empty toilet paper roll.
70. Shower paranoia: the constant feeling that a child is crying every time you step under the spray.
71. She believed she could, and she almost did…but then someone asked her repeatedly for a snack, and she lost track of what she was doing.
Motherhood comes with a creeping sense that your family is Weird with a capital W. These funny mom stories will prove once and for all that every family has its quirks.
Funny mom puns
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72. Momster: What Mom turns into after she counts to three.
73. What kind of flowers are best for Mother’s Day? Mums.
74. My mum has the best solutions for every problem. She is truly the mother of invention.
75. What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where’s Pop-corn?
76. Olive you, mom!
77. Mom, you did a grape job raisin me.
78. What did the panda give his mommy? A bear hug.
79. What do you call a short mom? A mini-mum.
80. What did the mama say to the foal? “It’s pasture bedtime.”
81. What was Cleopatra’s favorite day of the year? Mummy’s Day.
82. Why don’t they have Mother’s Day sales? Because mothers are priceless.
83. What’s the difference between Superman and mothers? Superman is a superhero when he has to be. Moms are superheroes all the time.
84. What did the digital clock say to its analog mother? Look, Mom! No hands!
85. What kind of candy do moms love for Mother’s Day? Her-she’s Kisses.
86. Not to be cheesy, but you’re a grate mom.
87. What kind of boat is barely staying afloat yet somehow manages to function? The mother ship.
88. Mom, I donut know what I’d do without you.
89. There is no butter mom than you!
90. Why did the cookie cry? Because his mother was a wafer so long!
91. Why did the baby strawberry cry? Because his mom was in a jam!
92. How do you keep little cows quiet, so their mommy can sleep late? Use the mooote button.
93. Where do baby Transformers come from? Opti-Mom Prime.
94. What is a mom’s favorite flower? Chrysanthemoms.
95. Why did the Mother’s Day gift arrive the day after Mother’s Day? It was choco-late.
Train your kids early to laugh often. These pun-derfully funny puns for kids will do the trick.
You know you’re a mom when…
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96. …all you want for your birthday is for people to stop getting a new glass every time they need a drink.
97. …you glide the shopping cart back and forth even when there’s no baby in it.
98. …being alone in your car is the most exciting part of your day.
99. …someone else gets hurt and you cry.
100. …going to work feels like a vacation, and going on vacation feels like work.
101. …you have a secret stash of candy that not even your spouse gets to see.
102. …the first thing you say when you walk into a room is, “What’s that smell?”
103. …you have multiple conversations a day about poop, and none of it is yours.
104. …you’ve been used as a human Kleenex and didn’t bat an eye.
105. …you use baby wipes to clean literally everything.
106. …silence isn’t golden; it’s suspicious.
107. …happy hour is nap time—yours or theirs.
108. …you consider a permanent marker a weapon of mass destruction.
109. …you see a smear of brown on your shirt and you have to smell it to see if it’s chocolate or poop.
110. …you have to choose between sneezing and waking the baby or holding it in and dislocating a rib.
111. …you understand on a deep level why Mama Bear’s porridge was too cold.
112. …spending $500 on new school clothes for your kids is easy, but you need a coupon and cash to buy new leggings for yourself.
113. …you realize you just cleaned the living room so your kids would have room to play with all the toys that don’t fit in their messy rooms.
Fathers are known for their bad jokes. But moms? Well, they’re no strangers to bad jokes you can’t help but laugh at.
Funny celebrity mom quotes
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114. “When you’re a twerking mother, balance is really important because you don’t want to go too low and blow out your butt and bust your knee.” —Amy Poehler
115. “It’d be cool if my kids could make something I actually want, like a bottle of wine, out of macaroni and glue.” —Stephanie McMaster
116. “It’s not easy being a mother. If it were easy, fathers would do it.” —Dorothy, The Golden Girls
117. “Ah, babies. They’re more than just adorable little creatures on whom you can blame your farts.” —Tina Fey
118. “It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.” —Carrie Underwood
119. “Having an infant son alerts me to the fact that every man, at one point, has peed on his own face.” —Olivia Wilde
120. “The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant and let the air out of the tires.” —Dorothy Parker
121. “Sometimes I stand there going, ‘I’m not doing any of this right!’ And then I get this big man belch out of her and I go, ‘Ah, we accomplished this together.'” —Christina Applegate
122. “You want to torture someone? Hand them an adorable baby they love who doesn’t sleep.” —Shonda Rhimes
123. “I always say, if you aren’t yelling at your kids, you’re not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
124. “I’ve learned that it’s way harder to be a baby. For instance, I haven’t thrown up since the ’90s, and she’s thrown up twice since we started this interview.” —Eva Mendez
125. “Some days I find myself doing strange things that don’t have any real purpose, in faraway corners in my house, and I realize I am literally and deliberately hiding from my children.” —Kate Hudson
126. “When you’re a mom of teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.” —Nora Ephron
127. “Neurotics build castles in the air. Psychotics live in them. Mothers clean them.” —Rita Rudner
128. “Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.” —Phyllis Diller
129. “Having a baby is just living in the constant unexpected. You never know when you’re gonna get crapped on or when you’re gonna get a big smile or when that smile immediately turns into hysterics.” —Blake Lively
Celebrate the joy (and frustration) of being a mom with these quotes about mothers. We guarantee they’ll make you want to call your mom and thank her for all she did for you.
Funny mom tweets
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130. “If you’ve never said, ‘You need to back up a little so I can wipe myself,’ do you even have kids?” —@MotherOctopusKJ
131. “Hmm, I’m the first one awake in the whole house. Think I’ll play this kazoo, it just feels right.” —@simoncholland
132. “It all starts with a late period, and then you aren’t on time for anything ever again.” —@lucylueorganics
133. “My daughter has been home from school for 30 minutes. She’s been talking for 40 of them.” —@sarabellab123
134. “Please pray for my teen, who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today.” —@maryfairybobrry
135. “Currently helping my son search for his chocolate that I ate last night.” —@hypercraxy
136. “The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.” —@LMEgordon
137. “The closest I get to a spa day is when the steam from the dishwasher smacks me in the face.” —@BadMomLife
138. “I feel like I’d be a much better parent if I didn’t have to do it every day.” —@snarkymommy78
139. “Repeating the same thing over and over to your kids isn’t so bad if you think of it as chanting a zen mantra: “Put on your shoes. Put on your shoes. Put on your shoes. Ommmmm.” —@copymama
140. “*8yo pauses video game, takes sip of juice box, finishes bowl of chips*
8yo: Dad, can I have more?
Me: Not right now.
8yo: You never let me have anything!
*storms into bedroom, kicks off sneakers, turns on Death Star lamp, picks up iPad, puts on headphones, lies on bed*” —@DadandBuried
141. “My 5-year-old just told me that turtles are slow because they carry their houses on their backs, and I feel like this is a solid analogy for parenthood.” —@gfishandnuggets
Keep laughing at relatable parenting foibles with these funny parenting tweets that nail the highs and lows of raising kids.
Silly mom knock-knock jokes
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142. Knock, knock.
Abby Mother’s Day!
143. Knock, knock.
Honeydew you want a hug?
144. Knock, knock.
145. Knock, knock.
A door who?
146. Knock, knock.
Alec to give you kisses.
147. Knock, knock.
Omelet Mommy sleep in today.
148. Knock, knock.
Justin time to say Happy Mother’s Day!
149. Knock, knock.
Bacon cake for Mother’s Day.
150. Knock, knock.
Al give you a hug for Mother’s Day!
If you loved these funny mom jokes, you and your little ones will giggle over these short jokes for kids.
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