75 of the Funniest Tweets on the Internet
You'll be retweeting these hilarious posts in no time.
Funny tweets that actually make you laugh out loud
One of the best things about social media is that it allows us to bond over shared experiences—and a shared sense of humor. One social media channel that has a ton of jokesters on it is Twitter. Honestly, you could spend hours going through funny relatable tweets, funny relationship tweets, funny best friend tweets, and many other types of funny tweets. If you want the best of the best, though—you know, the ones that get you to let out a huge “HAH!” as soon as you read them—we have you covered. Here are some of the best funny tweets on the Internet you’ll actually laugh at (and retweet immediately!).
Grow up, already!
Who let us become adults, anyway? These funny tweets definitely help alleviate growing pains.
[COMMERCIAL ON TV]
Me, as a kid: Hey, I have that toy!
Me, as an adult: Hey, I’m on that medication.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) February 10, 2021
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
— pat tobin (@tastefactory) September 18, 2015
You know you’re an adult when you suddenly start taking Bert’s side over Ernie’s.
— polythene spam (@BettyLies) February 16, 2012
For those of us who get slightly irritated at the little things.
To the guy who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
— Eddy Elfenbein (@EddyElfenbein) July 30, 2018
Sick of having to go to 2 different huts to buy pizza & sunglasses.
— blake (@Leemanish) March 24, 2013
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) July 19, 2014
RELATED: Funniest people to follow on Twitter
Funny tweets about animals? Yes, please.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
— Zachary? (@GreenishDuck) January 27, 2012
The worst part about being a giraffe is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.
— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) July 1, 2013
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
— yoyoha (@yoyoha) May 25, 2011
The secondhand embarrassment is real.
Just tried a coat on in TK Maxx. It was the coat of a customer trying on another coat. I can never leave the house again.
— David (@littlechief1982) November 19, 2016
This may be the wine talking but I really really really really love wine.
— Robin McCauley Lynch (@RobinMcCauley) July 29, 2015
Life’s a competition
Funny tweets for those with a competitive nature.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
— Guy Endore-Kaiser (@GuyEndoreKaiser) April 22, 2013
If I ever say the words “my fantasy football team” just know it is code for “I’ve been kidnapped please help me.”
— Laura Benanti (@LauraBenanti) August 29, 2013
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
— Paige (@PeachCoffin) November 10, 2013
We’ll stop talking COVID after these gags
These tweets are all too relatable.
Small weekend is over.. now entering big weekend ☹️
— Jo? (@JoanNatson) April 5, 2020
Thirty days hath September,
April, June, and November,
all the rest have thirty-one
Except March which has 8000
— brandAn is good (@LeBearGirdle) March 29, 2020
guys will stand 5’8” from you and call it 6 feet
— 朱華敏 (@andrealongchu) April 4, 2020
It’s a date
Dating can be tough—but it’s worth it for the funny tweets.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
— Ristolable (@ristolable) August 13, 2014
I once dated an apostrophe. Too possessive.
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) November 12, 2015
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
— m. diane (@cULTMOTHER) June 11, 2018
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
— 〰 Just Linda 〰 (@LindaInDisguise) April 10, 2017
‘Till death do us part
You’ll take these hysterical tweets to the grave.
I don’t want to die doing something I love. I want to die doing something I hate. That way I don’t have to finish it.
— Tim Siedell (@badbanana) March 19, 2013
Decided that the one phrase I do not want in my obituary is, “died before his Botox doctor could revive him.”
— Conan O’Brien (@ConanOBrien) December 2, 2012
We’re getting a core workout from laughing at these tweets!
do people who run know that we’re not food anymore
— Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) October 20, 2014
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking.
— Gia (@GashleyMadison) February 5, 2017
The serving size for pizza is “until you hate yourself”
— #1 samir (@samir) May 30, 2015
It happens every time
Every time I almost think humanity will be okay, I see someone struggle with the self-checkout for 20 minutes.
— caprice crane (@capricecrane) December 16, 2011
Who knew Twitter had a passion for fashion?
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
— Flora underscore underscore Flora ?? (@Flora__Flora) June 29, 2017
Every neck tattoo should read “I’m not getting the job, am I?”
— Alex Baze (@bazecraze) March 30, 2011
We’re just friends
What’s friendship without a couple of funny Twitter posts?
“I don’t want a whole dessert, let’s just get two spoons” – Former friends of mine.
— Anna Kendrick (@AnnaKendrick47) February 12, 2015
I can’t believe I didn’t get an Oscar nomination for my performance in, “No, I never got your text!”
— caprice crane (@capricecrane) January 10, 2013
It’s tough being a genius…
…but these hilarious tweets make it easier to handle.
When someone tells me, “Great question.” I never hear their answer because I’m busy congratulating myself for asking such a great question.
— Damien Fahey (@DamienFahey) November 26, 2012
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
— Sudo Nim (@RealSudoNim) January 30, 2012
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
— as a member of the dumbass community, (@InternetHippo) April 6, 2015
…did they really just say that?
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
— Cohen is a ghost (@skullmandible) December 12, 2013
Probably the worst thing you can hear when you’re wearing a bikini is “Good for you!”
— Eliza Bayne (@ElizaBayne) August 3, 2015
Kids say (and do) the darnedest things—luckily, we have funny Twitter posts to remember those moments forever.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
— Brian Hope (@Brianhopecomedy) June 19, 2013
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
— ally (@TragicAllyHere) January 23, 2016
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 28, 2017
Sometimes, at night, after my son has gone to bed, I go into my room, and finish all of my sentences.
— Paula Poundstone (@paulapoundstone) September 11, 2014
RELATED: Funny parenting tweets
Updated classics for millennials
These funny tweets put a hilarious spin on literature—which one’s your favorite?
— Daniel Paisner (@DanielPaisner) September 5, 2017
Alexa, Tell Me About Two Cities#MakeClassicNovelsModern
— Corey Miller (@StopEatingBees) September 5, 2017
Charlotte’s Webcam #MakeClassicNovelsModern
— David E (@DaSkrambledEgg) September 5, 2017
— Paul Lander (@paul_lander) September 5, 2017
— Richard Jeter (@MilesToGo13) September 5, 2017
— Rishabh Sharma (@im_srishabh21) September 5, 2017
— Dreamweasel (@Dreamweasel) September 5, 2017
The pillars of a great marriage: trust, honesty, respect, and funny tweets.
When my wife gets a little upset, sometimes a simple “calm down” in a soothing voice is all it takes to get her a lot upset.
— Bryan Donaldson (@TheNardvark) September 26, 2011
Before marrying someone, listen long and hard to the sounds of their chewing because that’s the soundtrack to the rest of your life.
— Lil Bit ? (@LizerReal) October 16, 2020
You know that guy who looks like that other guy in that show we used to like? He died. – how my wife and I communicate
— Just Bill (@WilliamAder) January 4, 2013
Losing my marbles
We all go a little mad sometimes…
One of my favorite games to play is “is my headache from dehydration, caffeine withdrawal, lack of proper nutrition, my ponytail, stress, lack of sleep, not wearing my glasses or brain tumor?”
— parker (Taylor’s Version) (@pmilbs_) March 15, 2018
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
— brent (@murrman5) August 14, 2013
What’s in a name?
Call these posts what they are: hilarious tweets.
“Anybody here named Jeff?”
— mtobey (@mtobey) January 21, 2016
What do you think kid rock and chris rock talk about at family reunions?
— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) August 8, 2009
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
— Terry F (@daemonic3) November 20, 2013
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
— unionize cia assets (@SamGrittner) July 29, 2013
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
— mo (@chuuew) January 1, 2016
Parents—we all have ’em
And we all post about them at some point on Twitter.
My mom said,”You know what I need? A selfie stick. So whenever I see someone taking a selfie,I can hit them with the stick.#Momquotes
— Rossabella? (@ManikivanaS) December 17, 2017
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
— The Cultured Ruffian (@CulturedRuffian) January 22, 2014
It’s reigning cats and dogs
These tweets are paws-itively hilarious.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
— summer goth ? (@NicCageMatch) April 10, 2014
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
— phil (@PhilJamesson) March 17, 2015
“?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!” – Dogs on the 4th of July.
— Lyle Clippart (@Kyle_Lippert) July 5, 2012
Hail to the Chief
Huh, we never thought about this before…
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) April 29, 2016
Tweets that make you laugh—and think!
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
— john freiler (@johnfreiler) June 28, 2013
in a thousand years archeologists will dig up tanning beds and think we fried people as punishment.
— olivia wilde (@oliviawilde) May 15, 2011
Honesty is the best policy.
It’s a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I’d be a drag queen
— Dolly Parton (@DollyParton) July 12, 2010
Just bought a book on Narcissism. It’s great. It’s all about me.
— marc maron (@marcmaron) February 16, 2012
Shame on me
Funny tweets that are a bit sassy (but still make you chuckle).
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
— chuuch (@ch000ch) October 19, 2013
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Shorts
— Artie Johann (@DearAnyone) December 9, 2010
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace
— Jason (@longwall26) March 12, 2015
Spies like us
We see you, CIA.
We can neither confirm nor deny that this is our first tweet.
— CIA (@CIA) June 6, 2014
Words are funny, aren’t they?
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest and disingenuous.
— sixthformpoet (@sixthformpoet) September 4, 2015
Autocorrect walks into a bar. Bartender says, “What can I get you?” Autocorrect says, “I’ll have a bear. A bare. Bier. Briar. Never mind.”
— Jason Sweeney (@sween) January 28, 2015
“WHOM WHOM WHOM”-owl that never gets invited to parties
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) April 30, 2016
It’s the simple things in life that make us happiest.
Just once in my life, I’d like to know the sweet satisfaction of finishing a tube of ChapStick.
— Conan O’Brien (@ConanOBrien) February 24, 2014
If you’re looking for more laughs, check out these short jokes anyone can remember.
- The Huffington Post: “Twitter Helped Get Literature Up To Date With #MakeClassicNovelsModern”